The spin starts here: Pitchin' "Office" ideas

With visions of "Baywatch Nights" and "Joanie Loves Chachi" dancing in our heads, the recent announcement of a planned "Office" spin-off by NBC had our own TV-loving office reeling a bit. Who's in it? Where will it be set? Will the entire thing be about Flonkerton? So in order to avoid potential -- perhaps inevitable -- disappointment, our Channel Surfing staff of Dunder Mifflin-ites decided to pitch a few original ideas involving secondary characters who've made Scranton a fun and festive place we'd all like to visit. (OK, maybe we won't go that far.)

Ben Silverman -- if you're reading this, these ideas come dirt cheap. No Ted Danson money here. We're totally willing to get Costanza'd if it means we can nab a John Krasinski or Jenna Fischer cameo early in Season One. Plus, if ex-stripper/writer Diablo Cody can win an Oscar, one of us can certainly win a freakin' Emmy ...

It’s a tough life for Mose Schrute, cousin to Dwight.

Beet farming just isn't what it used to be and table-making demonstrations have been on the decline for a number of decades. And on top of that, manure fights have dropped off ever since Dwight dubbed them “disgusting” and “unsanitary.”

Mose faces the ultimate challenge when cousin Dwight announces he’s leaving Schrute Farm to permanently stalk Angela’s home until she takes him back.

Mose – lacking any education or social skills – must learn to face the odds and attack agri-tourism, featuring themed rooms like “nighttime” and “irrigation,” full time to make his cousin proud … oh, and to keep the farm from going under.

Business has been all but booming since its peak when Jim and Pam made their mark as the first, er, only guests of Schrute Farm. According to the comment card - in which Pam was forced to carve comments into a 2x4 - the chance of the couple's return visit would be "not likely, to only in grave circumstances." Mose learned quickly from their experience that changes needed to be made to the farm - including a lock on the outhouse door and perhaps standard-sized bedding (instead of homemade, the closest being near the size of a twin.)

Years of leaning on Dwight as the attractive, well-spoken concierge of Schrute Farm now diminished, Mose hires an unaware and inept staff to help him put Honesdale, PA on the map in order to rise to great heights on TripAdvisor.com. With his cast of misfits -- including "Arrested Development's" Byron "Buster" Bluth (aka: Tony Hale) -- Mose tries his hand at hotel management by adding amenities for guests, newer demonstrations for guest activities and, of course, inventive new ways to market the beet.

Follow Mose in this hilarious, yet endearing journey, as he scraps his way out of crazy antics with his lovable catchphrase, “If you can’t beet ‘em, join ‘em.” Who knows? Maybe cousin Dwight will stop by to make sure the best beets are being displayed on the roadside.

-- Sara Boyd, sboyd2@greenbaypressgazette.com

Creed Bratton is a confused man. Well, more confused than usual.

Having recently woken up in a Rip Van Winkle-like stupor at Careless Whispers Home for the Mentally Ill in Scranton, he's starting to "see" things. In his weaker moments, the nurse who gives him eight daily doses of medication looks an awful lot like someone from his past named Meredith (Or is it Mary Beth?) And the janitor occasionally cracks himself up with "that's what she said" jokes like a former boss named Michael Scott.

But this isn't Dunder Mifflin.

In fact, Creed's personal file doesn't mention anything about working at Scranton's finest paper distributor. Instead, Creed – or William Charles Schneider according to his file -- was found passed out and with his pants down at a children’s birthday party – the victim of what Careless Whispers' doctors called "severe acid flashback syndrome" from his days as a '60s hippie rocker with the Grass Roots.

It's a whole different world for the seemingly random Mr. Bratton. In fact, his penchant for wearing sandals and eating unleavened bread, not to mention his newly developed beard and flowing hair, resembles that of a Jesus-like figure – which seems oddly appropriate considering his fellow band of straitjacket wearers, "The Daily Show's" Rob Corddry as Crazy Lenny, a former street performer who lost too much oxygen during an underwater chamber stunt gone horribly wrong, R. Lee Ermey, a retired military man still gunning for Hitler's hide and Martin Starr (Bill Haverchuck from "Freaks and Geeks"), as a once promising M.I.T. whiz who went insane trying to balance his delicate genius with an intense fear of women's panties, turn to him as a prophet while they all seek a way to re-enter the real world with the stamp of "sane" on their foreheads.

While Creed imparts pearls of wisdom, he's also looking to get back to the Dunder Mifflin in his hazy dreams – even if it appears no one know what he's talking about. Heck, even stray yogurt lids remind him of some kind of "Office Olympics" event. And what are those "Dundies" he keeps mumbling about?

Except there's a new addition to Careless Whispers by mid-season – a once proud executive turned sex addict-pill popper named Jan Levinson (still played by Melora Hardin) who can't seem to get her life back on track post-Dunder Mifflin firing, post Michael Scott rocky relationship. Maybe she can cut through Creed's confusion, or better yet, join him and his schizophrenic friends in a quest to find their sanity outside Careless Whispers' bleak walls.

Or at the very least, find some more toner so Creed can re-dye his hair black.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com

Well, we all know dear Dunder Mifflin is the David competing against the Goliaths of an increasingly big-box world.

Now, how about a little love for the worker bees at these retail giants? They're no different than Michael, Dwight, Jim or Pam, except that they got sucked into the job security of working for a large corporation.

Welcome to "The Staples of Life," which follows the everyday happenings of a hapless group of misfits working their lives away at the Staples branch in Scranton (yes, the same branch where Dwight worked when he briefly left Dunder).

Think of this as "The Office: The New Class." Except less lame and no Dustin Diamond.

Potential characters

Tony is the harassed store manager with an inflated sense of self who moonlights as a jazz lounge singer on the weekends. He's Michael Scott, except less crass and fewer verbal diarrhea problems, but with more Kenny G references. John Hodgman is a must for this role.

Antonia is the middle-aged floor manager who only hires men between the ages of 21 and 28 with athletic builds to become her associates. A delicious role for any aging star with comedic chops, we're thinking if "Weeds" ever goes off the air, Mary Louise Parker would be perfect for this role. We'll also take Queen Latifah as a backup.

Jake is the ditsy associate who comes under investigation in the pilot episode for mishandling a cash transaction on a weekend shift when he actually left the money in the urinal by mistake. John Francis Daley of "Freaks and Geeks" and "Kitchen Confidential" fame has to be scooped up from Fox's "Bones" and resurrect the awkward goofiness of Sam Weir in this role.

Lisa is the goth-punk associate who dreams of burning Staples down. This role has Amy Poehler written all over it unless Sarah Silverman is available.

Devon, the former Dunder Mifflin employee fired by Michael Scott, is more interested in hatching pyramid schemes than working. Played by Devon Abner unless he's busy (doubtful).

-- Malavika Jagannathan, mjaganna@greenbaypressgazette.com

If you’re like me, you feel kinda bad for Roy. Sure he’s a bit of a hothead, a bit of a brute, a bit of a doofus. But when Pam not only stood him up at their wedding, but then came clean with him about her smoochies with Jim, you could feel his mighty heart breaking. OK, yes, he expressed his sadness by trying to murder Jim at work, but after getting pepper-sprayed by Dwight and subsequently fired, he learned his lesson. He realized he needed to make a change in his life.

And so Mr. Roy went to Washington, to join the Secret Service.

“The Oval Office” will take place during the last year of the lame-duck Bush administration. President George W. Bush (as portrayed either by “That’s My Bush!” star Timothy Bottoms, or the actual Bush, since he’s not doing anything else these days,) has given up doing any real work; instead he putters around the White House, cracks off-color jokes, and micro-manages things that were perfectly fine before he interfered.

Roy (David Denham reprises his role) is the new Secret Service agent assigned to keeping an eye on the Commander in Chief. Roy starts hero-worshipping Bush, becoming a bit of a kiss-ass, and soon starts calling himself “Assistant Commander in Chief.” (“Assistant to the Commander in Chief,” Bush corrects him.)

Meanwhile there’s romance in the air, as Bush’s flirtatious Press Secretary, Dana Perino, and clever-but-unmotivated Secretary of Commerce Carlos Gutierrez go through several seasons’ worth of will-they-or-won’t-they shenanigans. We’ll draw things out until, say, the end of season two, when Carlos will reveal his feelings, the pair will kiss, and then nothing else will happen for another two seasons. Standard television romance practices.

“The Oval Office” will also be populated with several quirky supporting characters: Strict, uptight cat-lover Condoleezza Rice, crotchety old kleptomaniac Josh Bolten, talkative and clingy Elaine Chao, and fat, lovable doofus Dick Cheney.

-- Adam Reinhard, lifeisfunnybutnothahafunny@gmail.com

So ... feeling similarly inspired to pitch a show? Which character would you spin off? Have your own Threat Level: Midnight script tucked away in a desk somewhere? Share in the Comments section.