The TRUUUUUUUUUUE story of a meaningless awards show that'll make me feel really, really old.

I tried fighting the urge. Really I did. But an MTV promo about the "Real World Awards" airing at 9 p.m. totally sucked me in, so I have no choice but to make peace with a sordid past that hauntingly glides to the beat of David Broom's "Come On Be My Baby Tonight."

A "Real World Awards" ceremony is long overdue, if you ask me. I'll have been out of high school 10 years -- duuuuude, really? -- in May, and that's still a good six years after voyeuristic zombies were introduced to pre-"Grind" Eric Nies' washboard abs and Kevin Powell telling Southern Julie that black people can't be racist. (By the way, that's former model Nies in the photo above. Or it's Charles Manson's illegitimate child. Or it's John the Baptist. Or it's the guitarist for Foghat. I haven't decided. Wow, dude. Invest in a Bic.)

Look, the "Real World" is permanently in my bloodstream, and I make no apologies for knowing that Puck's real name is David Rainey. While I honestly haven't watched a full season since 2003's "Paris" installment bored me to tears (though it was 2002's oversexed "Vegas" cast that completely killed the "Real World" concept for me), I've kept up with the "Challenges," and sheepishly know that Wes and Johanna from "Austin" were once dating. And Mike "the Miz" is now a WWE tag team champion. And Kyle Brandt was on "Days of Our Lives," but now works for sports radio host, Jim Rome. And Jon Brennan is still a virgin and performs praise ballads in a church. (OK, that last one is an assumption, but it's probably accurate.)

"The Real World" is a bizarre, but comforting part of my pop culture upbringing. You know how you'll occasionally think of someone you went to high school with and say, "Man, I wonder what THAT GUY is up to now," or maybe you'll bump into a former classmate at the grocery store and begin reminiscing about how you and a bunch of friends once TP'd someone's house or kidnapped a rival school's mascot (wait, that was from "Saved by the Bell.")

It's good for a 15 second laugh, but you'll recover your clarity while realizing all you have to talk about is the past ... which then leads to your remembering why you don't converse with those same people anymore. But it's still amusing as a youthful snapshot, which is why sometimes Lars from "Real World: London" will randomly pop in my head and I'll recall how upset he became when his bike was stolen and none of his new roommates cared. And it'll feel like that easily forgettable moment was a part of my actual past, because watching "The Real World" was a fascinating way to view life from a young adult lens without leaving the comfort of your home.

Plus, everyone on that show was either getting laid or threatening to strangle someone for opening an unmarked envelope ... and I didn't have that drama in my life as a high school student. So yeah, it had a profound effect. I mean, even if you bother to scroll through the list of past "Real World-ers," you'll find that just like in high school, there are favorites (London Neil and LA's Dominic), villains (The Beast Known as Beth, CT) and the most god-awful annoying people you still want to slap to this day (Hawaii Amaya and Mormon Julie from New Orleans.)

And finally, who isn't a sucker for nostalgia? Couple that with meaningless awards for Hottest Female or Best Brush With the Law and you're bound to bring a few eyes to the party, no matter how ridiculous it might seem in the bigger picture.

I've already rambled enough in this post, but since MTV dropped the ball with their weak nominations, I have to at least offer a few of my own awards on this not-so historic occasion. If you really want to get up to speed, check out this interesting retrospective of individuals who made their mark on the show. Meanwhile, I'll keep it simple with a few choice offerings from my seat away from the cameras. Skeee daba dweee daba dweee ...

Most indelible "Real World" moment: Stephen (at right) slapping Irene during the Seattle season. It wasn't even the slap so much as it was Stephen hiding Irene's teddy bear and tossing it into the nearby river like a five-year-old. She outed him. He responded by smacking her in the face while she fled in a taxi. She kinda laughed and cringed at the same time. Great TV that wasn't the least bit contrived. Stephen apparently was arrested for prostitution years later, so yes kids, you CAN sink lower than slapping a female on TV!

Runner-up: Neil from London getting his tongue partially bitten off by a crowd member at a gig. Um ... I still get weak thinking about the gruesome footage. Just spit on him like people did to Sid Vicious. Jeez.

Best overall season: Gotta be San Francisco because of Puck. He was the first to realize he could spin the cameras to his advantage, but his dirty bike messenger tendencies were an authentic source of disruption. His conflict with Pedro is tame by today's reality TV standards, but I'm sure his ex-roomies still hate his guts.

Favorite cast member: I really dug Neil from London, probably because he seemed so grounded and routinely made fun of people (particularly "Where's the ranch dressing-Oh, I'm so in love with Kat" Mike) for not being as smart as him. MTV never took that casting route again, instead opting for photogenic airheads and frat boy types who look good with their shirts off. Puck and Dan from Miami were great for TV. CT's "I'll work you" threat to Adam never gets old.

Most despised cast member: Ah, so many to pick from. Personally, I have to go with Mormon Julie, who either was really that stupid about life (um ... why are you black and where do you come from?) or ... no, she really was that stupid about life. Way to represent Wisconsin, Jules!

Runner-up: Amaya from Hawaii. PLEASE STOP CRYING! I also remember her talking like a baby while trying to get Colin to kiss one of her stuffed animals. I really don't want to think about it anymore.

Most absurd moment: Skinny David getting accused of rape by the Beast Known as Beth. Anyone who has seen the clip -- and you can watch it on MTV.com for proof -- knows that Tami was laughing while David tried to rip a blanket from her while on the ground. Beth stoked the flames, and yes, Tami probably became embarrassed when she realized how foolish it was going to look on TV. That's where the mouthwash-on-the-bed revenge tactic came into play, which still wouldn't have caused tremendous damage in the long run. But accusing David of rape? Even the stripper who dragged the Duke University lacrosse team through the muck thinks that's ridiculous.

Most absurd moment II: The made-for-TV fight between Brynn and Stephen that involved a fork. "Las Vegas," thanks for killing the show. Seriously.

Any awards you want to recommend? Favorite moments? Or we can keep dredging up hate-filled memories if you like ...

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com