Stop. "Hammertime." (No, seriously, please stop.)
The premise sounds almost as appealing as listening to "The Funky Headhunter": According to Variety, "Hammertime" will simply follow Hammer and his family around, and hope something interesting happens. Just a hunch? Nothing will.
Of course, that won't stop A&E and every other network out there from digging through the celebrity scrapheap, hoping to find some poor bankrupt schmuck with just enough name recognition to headline his own reality show. The shows are cheap to produce and gain just enough buzz to attract some ad dollars before burning out in a blaze of ignominy.
So perk up your ears, network execs! Have I got some show pitches for you.
"Yahoo Serious: Seriously Serious"
Before there was Yahoo!, there was Yahoo Serious, the Australian actor/director who made Jerry Lewis look like a master of subtlety. He made a movie in the late 80s called "Young Einstein" that did OK, made a couple more that tanked, and quickly faded into obscurity like a baby eaten by a dingo. Which makes him the perfect candidate to say g'day to his own reality show! As it turns out, Yahoo is currently at work on a new movie — a serious (har har) WWII film set in Australia. "Seriously Serious" could follow the Aussie auteur as he struggles to find financing, bickers with actors, boxes with kangaroos ... and then suffers the ultimate setback, when he discovers Baz Luhrmann already made a WWII movie set in Australia, and crikey did it suck.
"Milli Vanilli: Blame It on the Pain"
It's been more than 10 years since Milli Vanilli member Rob Pilatus (was he Milli or Vanilli?) died of a drug overdose. I say it's way past time to catch up with his partner in lip synching, Fab Morvan, to see how he's coping. Cameras could follow Morvan as he tours area nursing homes, performing his act's greatest hits to the only people who still remember them. Audiences will get caught up in his tireless efforts to restart his recording career, only to be shot down by every label in the universe (even the one that signed Scarlett Johansson.) The final episode can feature a comeback concert at Carnegie Hall, which tragically will be cut short when the cassette tape snaps.
"John Moschitta: Life in the Fast Lane"
You couldn't watch TV in the 80s without seeing a commercial starring motor mouth John Moschitta. The World's Fastest Talker pitched for everything from Fed Ex to Micro Machines to Minute Rice. And not just commercials — the dude was everywhere. Game shows, award shows, sitcoms, movies ... he even had his own board game. The well dried up sometime in the 90s, however, and now Moschitta is reduced to appearing on slop like VH1's "I Love the 80s 3D." But hey, Flavor Flav spun his stint with "The Surreal Life" into reality show glory, and he's almost equally as incomprehensible when he talks. Plus, with Moschitta, we could invent a whole new genre: the 5-minute reality show. We could have all the traditional reality trappings — follow him around all day, have him give heartfelt confessionals to the camera — but thanks to his hi-speed vocabulary, we wouldn't have to waste so much of our lives watching it.
There are all, of course, horrible ideas. Which makes them all perfectly viable, just like "Hammertime." Have any other has-been celebs you'd like to see given their own show?
— Adam Reinhard, firstname.lastname@example.org
Labels: reality shows