Why all reality TV shouldn't get a bad rap

In the aftermath of the Balloon Boy hoax, a murderous contestant appearing on VH1's "Megan Wants a Millionaire" and recent channel flips past anything with "Real Housewives," "Hills" or "Kardashian" in the title proving to be the grand work of Satan, you'd have perfectly good reason to write off any and all reality TV from now until the end of time.

But even as television execs sink lower and lower by exhuming the likes of Lorenzo Lamas and Antonio Sabato Jr., there are a few delicate rose petals buried at the bottom of the Gosselin diaper pile if you dig deep enough.

In fact, to say that all reality TV is created equal would be like saying that all Green Bay Packers fans go around stabbing random dudes in Minneapolis. So in order to clear reality TV's bad name, here are a few entries on my DVR tally that are not only worth watching, but are worth celebrating:

"The Amazing Race"

I've said it before, I'll say it again: "The Amazing Race" is the best reality show on TV. Emmy streak aside, the honor has more to do with a tried-and-true formula that keeps delivering winning results 15 seasons in. Oddly, "The Race" settled in the sweltering oasis for Dubai for two straight episodes, and last night's installment -- while fairly pedestrian in terms of the challenge component -- was among the richest in drama.

A large portion of "The Race's" appeal is that its contestants usually settle in the background as the geography and interesting local customs take center stage. But last night, Jesus-happy couple Mika and Canaan (you had to figure these folks were extremely religious with a name like Canaan) were pushed to the limit because Mika (that'd be the hot blonde, not the douche who looks like a Backstreet Boy) refused to go down a waterslide at the Atlantis resort.

That's right, folks. The only move necessary to stave off elimination was a ride down a 10-second waterslide, one a 7-year-old on a sugar bender would have completed faster than you could say "Geronimo." Instead, Mika's freakout allowed the Harlem Globetrotters tandem of Flight Time and Big Easy to squeak by -- but not before adding to the delicious drama atop the slide.

First, Canaan -- in a very un-Jesus like move -- almost threw his girlfriend down the slide. Yep. He grabbed her like a sack of potatoes and tried to toss her down, prompting Mika to scream "Help me, help me!" to the hapless Arab slide attendant, who unfortunately, is likely used to seeing the mistreatment of women day in-day out. After unsuccessfully accosting her -- and later trying to reason ever so gently with his gal pal -- Canaan pouted on the ground as the Globetrotters caught up. However, as the second team to arrive to the same challenge spot, they had to wait two minutes to slide down.

That's when things turned ugly. And by ugly, I mean really, really funny.

With the clock continuing to tick, Big Easy began to play cruel mind games with Mika, telling her, "Man, I wouldn't go down. It's high." Nerves rattled, Mika remained paralyzed at the top. Canaan, meanwhile, failed to appreciate the genius strategy, calling Big Easy a "piece of crap" for making his girlfriend cry.

In the end, Mika had to step away. The Globetrotters flew down the slide and were the last team to check in, sending God's children on their way back to church, probably for some good ol' fashioned forgiveness for bathing so closely to the waters of sin.

Now that's great TV.

"The Amazing Race" airs at 7 p.m. Sunday on ABC.

"Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins"

I have tried unsuccessfully to wean myself completely from these gratuitous MTV installments.

But there's also something oddly likable about watching 20-something (in some cases, 30-something) men and women act like complete infants in what can only be deemed the "Real World" bubble of D-list celebrity. These are people who only hang around each other, only date each other, and upon leaving the cozy confines of MTV reality land, make appearances in crappy college towns as "celebrity bartenders" because they have nothing else to do but update their MySpace pages.

Yet I love every minute of watching these buffoons, probably because it reminds me so much of high school yet I don't have to be bothered to turn in my reunion RSVP card.

This season's drama has been the most extreme yet, with Wes, the Ugliest Man with the Ugliest Shirts in TV history (at left), almost getting in at least three major fistfights, while last week, Crazy Tonya drunkenly began slapping the taste out of Veronica's month due to an old "Mean Girls" style rivalry.

Again, all the glorious high school drama without the need to see that one girl you used to have a crush on -- you know, only to realize she's now gained 200 pounds and crapped out three kids. Win, win, right?

"The Ruins" airs at 9 p.m. Wednesday on MTV.

"Top Chef"

We write a lot about "Top Chef," largely because it's a show about food (and who doesn't love food?), but also because the chefs are captivating personalities who truly bleed passion for their craft.

Maybe last season's disappointing finale lowered the bar, but overall, this has been the most gripping installment of the Bravo show thanks to a deep, talented field that continues to keep us guessing. Last week's Restaurant Wars installment only amplified the drama -- with Jen almost getting the axe while Robin somehow continues to defy the odds.

When the final three is announced in a few weeks, it's going to be a major disappointment considering there are four potential "Top Chefs" among the current crew (seriously, Stefan would barely crack the top five this season.) Once dead weight Robin and Eli are gone, the game is officially on.

"Top Chef" airs at 9 p.m. Wednesday on Bravo.

"The Next Iron Chef"

Hosted by the always-affable Alton Brown, "Next Iron Chef" does exactly what the title proclaims. The show runs the gamut of challenges in an ultimate test of culinary chops determined by "Iron Chef" chairman and "Dancing with the Stars" contestant Mark Decascos. The winner will apparently replace Mario Batali and join Bobby Flay, Masaharu Morimoto, Cat Cora and Michael Symon on "Iron Chef America."

Lost in the shuffle because of "Top Chef" timing, "Next Iron Chef" isn't quite as riveting or filled with polarizing personalities as its Bravo counterpart. But the challenges are creative (can't say I've ever seen someone cook with stinky tofu before), the food always looks delicious (well, except for the stinky tofu) and the competitive spirit makes for a fast-paced hour of television. Also, long-time "Iron Chef America" judge Jeffrey Steingarten's crusty observations are always good for a laugh or two.

"The Next Iron Chef" airs at 8 p.m. Sunday on Food Network.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com

VH1 shows sound judgment ... for once

What can finally kill off bad reality TV programming? Well, how about -- I don't know -- REAL LIFE MURDER?

A week after pulling any and all signs of "Megan Wants a Millionaire's" existence from VH1 properties, the cable channel known for CelebReality skankfests is also putting "I Love Money 3" on the shelf.

Now, I know what you're saying. There's an "I Love Money 3?" But honestly, this is the best news TV viewers could possibly receive -- and it has nothing to do with paying respect to the dead or any other moralistic quandary the network may have been faced with in light of reality contestant Ryan Jenkins killing his model ex-wife, and later himself upon fleeing to Canada.

Quick recap for folks who stay away from the gossipy garbage heap. Jenkins, a wealthy contestant on VH1 dating show "Megan Wants a Millionaire" (featuring a Bret Michaels' "Rock of Love" reject), was wanted for murder following the grisly death of his model ex-wife. Jenkins, who also made an appearance on the "I Love Money 3" spinoff/cash grab, was found dead this morning after reportedly committing suicide while in hiding.

VH1 is making a habit out of spewing new reality franchises with the same assortment of losers who populate these predictable crap-a-thons. Seriously VH1, if you want to roll out Screech or exhume Boner from "Growing Pains" for your nefarious purposes, that's all fine and dandy. I get the kitsch appeal.

But "Megan Wants a Millionaire?" First off, these people aren't famous, VH1. No matter how many spinoffs you set them up with, they don't deserve their own shows. You have to go through at least three stints of rehab like Danny Bonaduce or have Suge Knight dangle you from a balcony like Vanilla Ice to earn that distinction. And really, could you perhaps do a better screening job of your nutjob contestants so that I never have to make a crass "Megan Probably Doesn't Want a Murderer" joke on this blog again? Small request.

Anyway, stay classy, VH1. Now you can get back to more important matters like Sunday's premiere of "Tool Academy 2."

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com

We Watch It So You Don't Have To: "Dating in the Dark"

You can't start a fire without a spark. Or at least good eyesight.

Sorry to mangle Bruce Springsteen's lyrics just now. But "Dating in the Dark" -- an ABC reality dating show that doubles as a clever social experiment (don't they all?) -- takes the idea of the blind date to extreme ends with a concept that's equally entertaining and educational. Now, if that's not worthy of the Boss, what is?

I'll have to admit to not being a reality dating show expert. Never watched "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" before. And I'm not sure if late night viewings of "ElimiDATE" back in college even count. Either way, "Dating in the Dark" grabbed my attention last night because, quite frankly, it sounded like a pretty fun concept. Either that, or it was going to be a complete train wreck, and with nothing to watch on Monday nights, well, I didn't care about wasting an hour or two for the sake of this blog.

Maybe setting the bar so low helped, because I was pleasantly surprised by my initial viewing. So surprised, in fact, that I'm not that embarrassed to say I really, really enjoyed it and would probably TiVo this bad boy in the future. Yeah, I'm the same guy who watches "The Wire" and "Mad Men." Sue me.

First, the premise: "Dating" is exactly what the title says it's going to be. Three men and three women settle into opposite wings of a mansion and meet in a pitch black room with infrared cameras recording their interaction. Since they can't see their hands in front of their own faces, they have to use the "Helen Keller treatment," as one contestant glibly says, to get a feel for what the person may or may not look like.

With actual blinders on because of their blackout surroundings, they're forced to talk about interests and family -- and of course, harmlessly flirt -- knowing that the person sitting next to them might look like Clint Howard (that was Boyd's nightmare suggestion, by the way). But it's all about the picture perfect image in your head at that point, all leading to the big reveal -- when a lone light shines on each dating contestant as they stand across from each other -- allowing each to make a final decision on whether what they experienced in the dark room matches their feelings about the person's newly discovered physical profile.

In the first episode I saw last night, the three couples were actually matched up as such -- three and three. As part of the deliberation, each contestant was told to work with a sketch artist to create a picture of what they actually thought the other one looked like. In most cases, the sketches were dead on. In others, the guy looked like Ricky Martin, so again, it's all about what's inside someone else's head, and perhaps, what they truly want out of that big reveal. Whether that ideal impression matches with the real article ultimately determines whether someone is going to pursue a relationship beyond the camera.

The final moment is a meet-up on the balcony. If the couple wants to get together after the physical reveal, they'll show up. If not, they'll walk out the front door instead and the person waiting on the balcony will see their rejection manifested in the slow walk up a driveway.

Last night's first episode saw contestants go 2-for-3, with the lone loser (who admittedly, was the least attractive of the guys) getting ditched by the female who was probably the most attractive of her trio (the dark-haired woman at right). The fact that they already made out probably sealed the deal for the woman who walked away, because let's face it, once you've played kissy-face with the lights off, you can't really go back to just holding hands with Hobbit Boy.

Yet rather than a gratuitous "you just got burned" moment on the balcony, the show actually appears to make a statement. Physical attraction -- as if we all didn't know this already -- IS important. And for all the excitement that's built up in someone's head by just sitting down and connecting on an emotional level, if that spark isn't there when the lights come on, it's over.

Or maybe not. Allister, the suave European, chose to arrive on the balcony even though his female counterpart dressed like she was Cinderella -- the version that was forced to scrub bathroom floors, not the glittering princess. So even though it wasn't a perfect physical match, he was intrigued enough by their dark room interaction and perhaps, the connection provided by that experience.

Ultimately though, does this gimmick toy with one's self esteem in cruel, inhumane ways? Probably. But it's also fairly realistic. Nowhere was this more apparent than in last night's second episode -- which in my estimation had a weaker premise since one of the male contestants was billed off the bat as a personal trainer. Immediately, this created an impression of fitness and hotness in the females' minds, and of course, they all gravitated to his buff biceps in the dark and his well-rehearsed lines about "caring only about honestly and trust." Oooooh, swooooooooon.

So all three ladies ended up picking Chris, the dashing personal trainer, while the other two rejected schmucks sat in the corner picking their toenails. Only problem with Chris? While a strapping lad with a bright future, in a full suit, he looked like he was two years removed from his First Communion. Looking that young and preppy gave him a little brother quality, and all three women -- despite developing serious crushes on him just five minutes previous -- left him standing alone on the balcony. Irony, you are a sadistic beast!

For me, it was fun to see a bunch of strangers get worked up about finding their perfect mate without actually seeing them. And everyone was completely aware that they might be let down by the "hotness" quotient, but it didn't prevent them from acting emotionally responsible in the dark.

Or put it this way dear reader, now you know how that guy or girl felt in college when he/she woke up the following morning having finally sobered up ...

"Dating in the Dark" airs at 8 p.m. Mondays on ABC.



-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com

It's Terrell Owens' world, we just live in it

Most professional football players do everything they can to run from the media (see Ben Roethlisberger this week).

Others try to maintain private lives, but become so ubiquitous, the media can't help but follow their every move – even if, you know, it’s the same tired song and dance we’ve seen before (see Brett Favre).

Then there's Terrell Owens.

Let's face it, T.O.'s life has already been a crazy, cartoonish reality show in front of the cameras. Only now, it officially has a name and home on your DVR guide.

Being a football fan living in a football town, I already know more about Owens than I would ever care to. And trust me, I don't respect his me-first drama and blatant attempts at quarterback sabotage.

That said, the guy is an absolute physical specimen, which is exactly why a team like the Buffalo Bills snatched him up two days after the Dallas Cowboys finally got tired of his diva act earlier this year.

So this much we know about Owens: He can help you win. He can help you sell tickets. He can make you want to stab your eyes out because he’s a perpetual adolescent stuck in a Greek god’s body.

But can he produce a compelling TV show?

And as you'd expect of an athlete who once did sit-ups in his driveway for the media and blasted a bucket of popcorn into his face during a touchdown celebration, "The T.O. Show" should stand for “totally outrageous.”

In the pilot episode that aired Monday, Owens finds out he's been released from the Cowboys and clutches a tablecloth owner Jerry Jones drew on the day they parted ways as if it were the Shroud of Turin.

In comes Owens' publicists to perk him up -- two women who seem genuinely interested in keeping their star client on a respectable leash. Except when they convince him to move from Miami to L.A., Owens spends his days dropping Benjamins on Rodeo Drive and flirting with gold-digging sexpots.

It’s T.O.’s world, everyone else just lives in it, right?

Of course, it’s Owens’ version of his world, but having searched for flaws in the pilot, there seems to be very little “acting” going on. Sure, circumstances are scripted for TV. But you can't fake the reaction that fans and women give him when he's out on the town or waiting for his luggage at the airport.

That has nothing to do with a VH1 entourage following him. It has everything to do with being Terrell Owens, multimillionaire and narcissistic lapdog.

Owens already has more than his share of haters, so you'll likely find TV critics and sportswriters across the country bashing his reality TV foray as self-indulgent tripe.

They’d be right, of course. But getting on your reality TV high horse or sports-as-pure-entity pulpit is a tired shtick.

You can scoff at self-promotion until your face is as bloated as T.O.’s ego. Love or hate him, at least this guy has earned his fame (or infamy) unlike the Heidi Montag’s and Kate Gosselin’s of the world.

Or put it this way: This show could be about Chad Ochocinco instead.

“The T.O. Show” airs at 9 p.m. Monday on VH1.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com

That's Still On? "Brooke Knows Best" might be the worst

Whatcha gonna do when divorce runs wild on YOU?

Yeah, I'm an old-school WWF fan, so you'll have to excuse my enthusiasm for a VH1 CelebReality project that might result in cameos from Bam Bam Bigelow or "Ravishing" Rick Rude. (Wait, they're both dead? Errrr, nevermind.)

But really, I was probably most curious (morbidly, of course) by the fact that the Hogans are still on TV in some meaningful capacity.

After all, celebrity outside his customary brand of yellow trunks has not been super kind to "Terry" Hulk Hogan since he was placed atop the "Father Knows Best" mantle for reality TV.

Since the Hulkster's show debuted, he and longtime wife Linda announced a divorce (Hulk allegedly couldn't keep Hulkamania from running wild with one of his daughter's friends), son Nick served six months in jail for a high-speed car crash that left a passenger with serious brain injuries for the rest of his life, and daughter Brooke ... well, she gets plenty of magazine covers showing her tight bod, but her singing career is about as credible as Paris Hilton's.

Already in its second season, "Brooke Knows Best" follows Little Miss She-Hulk as she ventures out "on her own" in a big, bad world where not everyone says their prayers or eats their vitamins. Like the "Ashlee Simpson Show," it's a transparent vehicle for her to promote a vapid music career, so ultimately, there's no reason anyone other than dudes who read Maxim on the can would want to check this show out.

"Brooke Knows Best" is "Jon and Kate" plus "The Hills," so you can imagine the scripted drama that unfolds. In the episode I watched, Hulk introduces his new girlfriend -- man, I thought Thunderlips could do SO much better even in his crippled condition -- to Brooke. The two share several uncomfortable silences before Brooke drops the "Are you getting married? Do you want to have kids?" bomb on her. Hulk's gal pal replies: "First, he has to get divorced."

That makes for an appropriate segue to Linda Hogan's mansion, where she's shacking up with a 19-year-old who apparently used to live with the family back in their healthier days. Hulk talks about how painful it is to see a 19-year-old profiting off his blood, sweat and tears in the ring. While taking a well-orchestrated boat ride past the old crib, the Hogans' dogs still living at the family house see the boat from shore and start howling like mad. This causes Brooke to cry ... and well, it's actually kind of a downer.

That the whole situation was contrived should probably diminish any emotion behind the moment. But it seemed pretty legit even if Brooke knew what was coming.

Bottom line: You can't have two sets of cameras following now separated parents (at right) and expect that everything is legit between both sides. The worst example of this comes when Linda calls Brooke on the phone to chat about their ongoing rift -- Brooke disapproves of the age difference in her new relationship. Brooke has to pretend that she's SHOCKED to receive the call when her roommate answers and says, "It's your mom." On the positive side, according to my wife, Brooke's acting was much better than anything she's ever seen on "The Hills." Small victories.

So ... yawn ... not much to be excited about -- unless you fall in the neanderthal category that believes every blonde with a tan and nice body is automatically super hot. If anything, this show is an accurate reflection of what the Gosselins are about to experience when their TLC show resumes post divorce. Both sides will have to pretend that they don't see what's coming, when in "reality," every situation has been plotted out well in advance inside some sleazy production room.

So while "Brooke Knows Best" is pretty horrible, it's probably not the worst Hogan reality installment I can think of. That title would be reserved for "Nick Knows Not to Drop the Soap."

That's Still On? Score: 2 (out of 10)

DVR Priority: Somewhere between "Mr. Nanny" and "The Greatest Matches of Doink the Clown's Career"

What You Could Be Doing Instead: Taking steroids in an effort to die prematurely like most professional wrestlers. Repeatedly ashing yourself in the head with a steel chair. Watching "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" so you can see Jon Gosselin's balding head instead of Hulk Hogan's.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com

Stop. "Hammertime." (No, seriously, please stop.)

Following in opprobrious footsteps of has-been reality shows like "Chasing Farrah," "Scott Baio is 45 ... and Single," and "Dice: Undisputed," A&E has decided once and for all it's done being a respectful cable network and signed up former rap superstar and parachute pants paragon MC Hammer for his own show, "Hammertime."

The premise sounds almost as appealing as listening to "The Funky Headhunter": According to Variety, "Hammertime" will simply follow Hammer and his family around, and hope something interesting happens. Just a hunch? Nothing will.

Of course, that won't stop A&E and every other network out there from digging through the celebrity scrapheap, hoping to find some poor bankrupt schmuck with just enough name recognition to headline his own reality show. The shows are cheap to produce and gain just enough buzz to attract some ad dollars before burning out in a blaze of ignominy.

So perk up your ears, network execs! Have I got some show pitches for you.

"Yahoo Serious: Seriously Serious"

Before there was Yahoo!, there was Yahoo Serious, the Australian actor/director who made Jerry Lewis look like a master of subtlety. He made a movie in the late 80s called "Young Einstein" that did OK, made a couple more that tanked, and quickly faded into obscurity like a baby eaten by a dingo. Which makes him the perfect candidate to say g'day to his own reality show! As it turns out, Yahoo is currently at work on a new movie — a serious (har har) WWII film set in Australia. "Seriously Serious" could follow the Aussie auteur as he struggles to find financing, bickers with actors, boxes with kangaroos ... and then suffers the ultimate setback, when he discovers Baz Luhrmann already made a WWII movie set in Australia, and crikey did it suck.

"Milli Vanilli: Blame It on the Pain"

It's been more than 10 years since Milli Vanilli member Rob Pilatus (was he Milli or Vanilli?) died of a drug overdose. I say it's way past time to catch up with his partner in lip synching, Fab Morvan, to see how he's coping. Cameras could follow Morvan as he tours area nursing homes, performing his act's greatest hits to the only people who still remember them. Audiences will get caught up in his tireless efforts to restart his recording career, only to be shot down by every label in the universe (even the one that signed Scarlett Johansson.) The final episode can feature a comeback concert at Carnegie Hall, which tragically will be cut short when the cassette tape snaps.

"John Moschitta: Life in the Fast Lane"

You couldn't watch TV in the 80s without seeing a commercial starring motor mouth John Moschitta. The World's Fastest Talker pitched for everything from Fed Ex to Micro Machines to Minute Rice. And not just commercials — the dude was everywhere. Game shows, award shows, sitcoms, movies ... he even had his own board game. The well dried up sometime in the 90s, however, and now Moschitta is reduced to appearing on slop like VH1's "I Love the 80s 3D." But hey, Flavor Flav spun his stint with "The Surreal Life" into reality show glory, and he's almost equally as incomprehensible when he talks. Plus, with Moschitta, we could invent a whole new genre: the 5-minute reality show. We could have all the traditional reality trappings — follow him around all day, have him give heartfelt confessionals to the camera — but thanks to his hi-speed vocabulary, we wouldn't have to waste so much of our lives watching it.




There are all, of course, horrible ideas. Which makes them all perfectly viable, just like "Hammertime." Have any other has-been celebs you'd like to see given their own show?

— Adam Reinhard, areinhard@greenbaypressgazette.com

"True Beauty" bares all its flaws in episode one

The producers of ABC's newest reality show "True Beauty" are truly stretching the definition of beauty (come on, Ashton and Tyra -- I know you can do better).

Episode one delivered much more in the promo than it did in execution, although the first eliminated contestant (Hadiyyah-Lah) responded by hopping on the crazy train when the host Vanessa Minnillo revealed the real premise of the show. Other than that, it was lukewarm at best save for a vaguely interesting but soon-to-grow-old clash of personalities between Joel and Chelsea. Contestants are unknowingly being watched on cameras by Minnillo and her two fellow judges, former supermodel Cheryl Tiegs and "America's Next Top Model" fashion expert Nolé Marin, then being judged on both their interactions and reactions to various planted challenges.

In their first "challenge," the 10 beauties are scored on their physical aspects by a plastic surgeon and so-called "beauty expert," then left alone in the room with all the contestants' medical files "accidentally" next to them. Only three opted for a sneak, including Hadiyyah-Lah, an audio engineer whose least offensive statement was to call herself the most beautiful person in the world. Contestants were judged both on their score and on whether they looked in the files. Yawn.

If anything, the show is screaming for a desperate nip and tuck. First of all, none of the contestants are all that attractive -- most of them are dolled up, 'roided up or just plain fuuuugly. Then, unlike "Beauty and the Geek," where you actually get a feel for the characters and end up liking the most unlikely contestant, there's very little time between the planted challenges to get to know or even empathize with any of these yahoos. The only potentially interesting part of the show is that only the eliminated contestant is made aware of the true nature of the show, meaning it could take several or more episodes for our participants to realize how they're being judged. Or, given the caliber of these contestants, never.

Verdict? Wait for the sixth season of "Beauty and the Geek" on MTV. This show is on its face -- and on the inside -- a waste of time. The show airs on ABC on Mondays at 9 p.m. Episode one repeats on Saturday at 9 p.m. for local viewers.

If you can't wait, check out this video clip.

-- Malavika Jagannathan, mjaganna@greenbaypressgazette.com

I confess: "Teen Idols" terribly riveting, but mostly just terrible

Take a long hard look at the above picture.

If you can name four of the supposed "teen idols" from VH1's new Scott Baio-Jason Hervey reality abomination, well, evidently you had less of a life than me growing up. I got stumped at three -- Jeremy Jackson (far left prettyboy from "Baywatch"), Jamie Walters (dastardly "90210" Donna-thrower Ray Pruitt, who looks like he should be on "Prison Break" these days) and Eric Nies (the Jesus-looking vegan dude). I thought Adrian Zmed (second from right) looked more like Mike Myers, and I was totally clueless about the rest (Christopher Atkins of "The Blue Lagoon," David Chokachi of "Baywatch" and Bill Hufsey of "Fame" and "Days of Our Lives") until they were re-introduced to me courtesy of helpful little subtitles on last night's show.

Why did I watch, you ask? I have a soft spot for old "Real World" episodes, so something about another reality show with Nies (an original cast member on the MTV series) looking like the Second Coming must have triggered a Pavlovian reaction. Honestly, it just happened to be on, so I kept watching out of sheer morbid curiosity at who may have been dragged out of their parents' basement for the latest sleazy VH1 roll call. When Chachi and Hervey (that'd be Wayne from "The Wonder Years") showed up as hosts, I immediately cringed knowing full well how Baio's two previous "unscripted" VH1 shows played out.

Anyway, there isn't much depth to cover here. Only Jackson -- he was Hobie, Kid Hasselhoff -- and another displaced lifeguard, Chokachi, made, er, waves on the first episode. Jackson talked about being addicted to fame and everything that came with it, leading to a lengthy drug addiction and prison stay (the latter not for being on one of the worst shows in TV history, mind you.) Meanwhile, Chokachi pulled the classic first episode walk-away after throwing a hissy fit upon realizing the show wasn't what he signed up for (yeah, because if there's one thing reality TV has taught us, it's that producers are always on the up and up.)

The temper tantrum stemmed from an experiment conducted by Baio and Hervey where the two had the "idols" line up backstage at a theater with the belief that behind the curtain were adoring, screaming fans. As each individual's name was called, the crowd got louder and louder -- except when the curtain was eventually lifted, it was revealed to be piped in applause.

Choke on that, Chokachi! Surfer boy got straight CLOWNED.

So yeah, he was kinda mad, packed his bag, left the house and had to get a verbal beatdown from pipsqueak Hervey to realize that humiliation is what it takes to "want" fame again. Drama, I know.

The whole point of the show seems to be "how can one gain back fame" and not "what can one learn from an experience that obviously didn't go so well the first time around." And isn't it a fallacy to be pointing these guys back to the spotlight, when by virtue of being on a reality show that's accessible to a large portion of the viewing public, they already ARE in the spotlight again?

Plus, what ever happened to just waiting out the lows and rising from the dead like Patrick Dempsey. Dude was in "Can't Buy Me Love" and "Loverboy," then fell off the planet, only to return years later as McDreamy. Instead of stooping as low as reality TV, he -- you know -- kept working to regain his fame. Shocker.

Media exposure: get it while you're no longer hot, right?

With Baio and Hervey, there will no doubt be more scripted humiliation around the corner, and I can't say it's anything I plan on sticking around for. Not because I don't mind seeing people humiliated. But these guys already had their 15 minutes and they're whining about not getting to see 16? Boo-freakin-hoo.

What has this world come to when a reality TV show on VH1 isn't enough fame for one person? Why would anyone need to rise above "Rock of Love Bus," "I Love Money" or "Celebrity Rehab: Sober House?" Greedy bastards.



-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com

Commercial Interruption: "Foo" for thought

Sometimes there's just too much television for one Channel Surfing blogger to handle. That's when we need a break to sit back, relax and indulge in some friendly back-and-forth (via email of course, we don't actually like to speak to one another in person). Having recovered from a week of eating, cooking and well, mostly eating, Thomas Rozwadowski, Sara Boyd and Malavika Jagannathan are finally ready to put their pie forks down to indulge in a little Foo Fighters flavored "Top Chef"-age before Wednesday's new episode.

Thomas: There were a lot of reasons to love "Top Chef's" latest rocktageous episode, though deep down I feel the Foo Fighters were slighted by being placed third on the headlining marquee under Swanson Broth and the Butterball Turkeys (in-your-face plugs all around, though I have to wonder, how did they thaw those birds in time?)

And even if every Foo Fighters album since "The Colour and the Shape" sounds exactly the same, I've loved Dave Grohl's sardonic brand of humor dating back to his Nirvana days. The Foos were great additions to the judging table, especially Taylor Hawkins delivering the now classic "barf-ait" line about Jeff's pumpkin foam parfait disaster. It's always good to toss a few everyday folks into the mix, or people who can simply view food for what it is and refuse to enjoy say, stuffing because it has some nasty figs in it. That's speaking my language.

And poor Richard. "Team Rainbow" is apparently the kiss of death, with two members felled before the season's even picked up steam. To get bounced while making S'Mores -- his only responsibility, I might add -- yikes. That campfire treat is ruined for life thanks to the gob of saliva that he placed on top. Yum. I didn't ask for hepatitis with my ganache, thank you very much.

Speaking of kisses, our favorite commenter, Ms. Quarter, astutely pointed out that Fabio/Luigi planted a big one on Leah at the Foo Fighters concert. I suppose this is a better development than Fabs constantly kissing Stefan Dougherty's head, but with Richard's "nice rack" comment also making the episode, is it safe to say that Leah is fiddling with a few rolling pins on the side? I suppose Fabs could have been all, "Woo-hoo, they're playing 'Everlong!'" and got a little handsy, that's all. Hmmmm ... bromance AND romance. Those Euros know how to get busy. Also, I have to give props to Melissa Lee Roth's '80s-era dance moves during the Foo concert. I was hoping she'd break out the Tiffany hand jive for good measure. Probably the highlight of the episode for me.

So Boyd, have we established some clear favorites a few episodes in? Did you dig the inclusion of the Foos? And finally, what the heck is up with those mini-scenes that quickly cut to commercial -- you know, with Danny/Turtle choking down some peanut butter and drawing Jamie/DJ Tanner's ire? Those really mess with my head.

Sara: Dear Lord T-Roz, when will you learn that one question for a blogger is enough? I need room for my witty banter and playful jabs, c'mon!

So to answer your first question, yes. Even though there are plenty of chefs -- and I still can't remember what their names are -- I think it's safe to say the weeding out process has begun and we can start to make guesses on who could be in the finals. Clearly, Stefan Dougherty is one of the judges' faves and I think we've seen an impressive showing from his Euro Duo counterpart, Fabio-Luigi Affleck. Unlike the judges, I am not convinced that Ariane (aka: Madam Cries Alot) has redeemed herself after making a turkey. Having just completed my very first turkey -- and without burning my apartment down, no less -- I can say with confidence, it ain't that hard. The fact that she's made two inedible dishes so far -- let's not forget the spewing-into-napkin fiasco -- I would bet we'll see her back on the chopping block soon enough. As far as I'm concerned, the other contestants seem to blend in somewhere in-between.

And yes, I thoroughly enjoyed the inclusion of the Foos, but got quickly annoyed by Padma's incessant need to only refer to them as "Foos." I agree -- having a "judge" of sorts who can simply say, "This tasted good" or "I think dude spit on my S'More" is helpful and enjoyable. It lets us little people who -- gasp! -- don't know what apple chili chutney tastes like understand what makes the cut.

(Sidenote: If Ms. Quarter is correct in spotting a possible "Top Chef" romance, Mr. Fabio may have a few things to explain to a curly-haired woman who appeared in a lip-locking bridal photo with the Italian Stallion and later, what seems to be an engagement photo with the Euro King. Hmm ... those snarky Europeans and their "It's culture -- we kiss everyone!")

I can't address those wacky sneak peaks into "Real World"-esque drama, but I can say that I enjoy them -- as much as they confuse me. I suspect DJ Tanner has a list a-brewin' of chef contestants she'll take down a peg ... and no Uncle Jesse to play referee. Actually, I'm not really convinced with Richard gone that she likes anyone in the house. Ah, the cheese that enjoys the company of other cheese now stands alone.

So MJ, who are your favorites and what can we expect for Wednesday night?

Malavika: Thank you, Sara, for including just one question (it's Monday, brain cannot process multiple-part questions).

First -- and this is thanks to sometimes guest-blogger Kelly McBride who rightly noted that if "Top Chef" were, in fact, already taped prior to last week, this "Thanksgiving Dinner" would have taken place sometime in July, which is kind of weird -- they're cooking outside in New York and it starts raining in late November? I think not.

I thought the Quickfire Challenge -- in which chefs were told to recreate a dish from the "Top Chef Cookbook" (yay, product placement!) and then 15 minutes later, told to turn the dish into a soup -- was a fantastic one. Although the main challenge itself was not terribly exciting, despite the numerous curve balls, the choice of judges was -- to quote Bill and Ted -- most excellent. Personally, I think Dave Grohl should replace the insipid Ted Allen on the judging staff. "Queer Eye" is soooooo 2003.

As for the extracurricular antics of our chefs, I'm torn. While I'm entertained by the possibility of budding romances/weird potential three-way between Stefan, Luigi and Leah, I hope "Top Chef" sticks to its food-first attitude that makes it stand out in the reality TV world.

My favorites continue to be the standouts: Stefan, Eugene the non-gangster, DJ Tanner and Leah.

What's interesting is that you saw Leah pick the more talented chefs for her winning group-- many of whom I think will end up in the final rounds -- and that's a fact our favorite banana-scallop-makin' Richard Blais notes in his blog entry on this episode. "Leah stacked her team. And I say this not as a fact I know, but one that I trust in her choices. As a viewer, we can form opinions and make guesses, but trust me, the contestants, who spend every moment with their competitors know exactly at this point who's got skills and who doesn't."

I think Wednesday night, we're going to hopefully see more weeding out of the whiners (please god, someone get rid of Carla Ostrich!) and pretenders. My vote is for Ariane. Turkey or no turkey, she needs to take her stuffing and leave. Who do you want to go home?

Thomas: "Cougar" Ariane being gone is a given at this point. It's simply a matter of which chefs -- like Weepy Richard -- choke before her and lose any remaining pride they may have had. I can't say anyone has emerged as a villain at this point. Mimbo Jeff is probably my least favorite, for reasons I can't really explain other than he's too ... pretty. I like Fabio's goofiness. Stefan has some mad cooking skills. Jamie might be my favorite contestant because she's smacked down Danny and appears willing to take on Stefan if he gets too holier-than-thou. She's got attitude, but not "cross armed, don't dare defy me" Lisa 'tude. Plus, she makes a bad-ass soup!

I say keep Leah on because well, a good rack is reason enough (could we please see more of Gail Simmons' rack, too?). I won't weep if Crazy-Eyed Carla is sent packing, though Sara's Sesame Street reference seems too good to blow after only a week or so. She needs to stay for that continued amusement alone.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com, Sara Boyd, sboyd2@greenbaypressgazette.com, Malavika Jagannathan, mjaganna@greenbaypressgazette.com

Commercial Interruption: Get your bloody apples! "Top Chef" is back!

Sometimes there's just too much television for one Channel Surfing blogger to handle. That's when we need a break to sit back, relax and indulge in some friendly back-and-forth (via email of course, we don't actually like to speak to one another in person). Having extensively covered our hatred for Season Four's Lisa (read below post), Thomas Rozwadowski, Sara Boyd and Malavika Jagannathan are ready to turn the page and invite new "Top Chef" contestants into our hearts. So crack open a carton of bacon ice cream and ask yourself this: "Do you like burritos?"

Thomas: Before we digest last night's "Top Chef" bite of the Big Apple, I have to say, re-airing Season Four's "I really should have been congratulated" nonsense from Frumpasaurus Rex was a brilliant move by Bravo. I think I was more infuriated the second time around, but thankfully, all that anger melted away when the Blaiser re-issued his "congrats on winning the bronze medal" blast and ultimately, Stephanie was given the crown. Ah, good times.

So ... onto this year's feisty food happenings. These "Top Chef" fools aren't playin'! Straight off the plane and into a frenetic apple (har, har, Bravo) peeling contest? Yum. I like mine with extra hemoglobin, thank you very much, Queen Richard. Great tone setter, I must say, which is why "Top Chef" and "The Amazing Race" are my two favorite reality shows. We'll get to know these contestants and their personalities in due time. It's business first. Now get crackin', newbies!

Lots to talk about, including Team Rainbow, possible villain Stefan running away with the first two challenges, and Tom Colicchio looking as though he should have put down a cannoli or two in-between seasons.

So, Boyd, any thoughts on who caught your eye, how the ethnic food challenge played out, and whether there's a potential She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named among this group of ruffians?

Sara: Let me start off by saying, thank the Lord "Top Chef" hath returned!

That was a tough couple weeks between "Project Runway" and "TC's" glorious, triumphant season premiere, but I can safely say, we all held strong and didn't sink to watching "Top Design." Phew, that was close.

It's always tough for me to start picking favorites after the very first episode, but really, it doesn't take long at all to start weeding out those who -- based on first impressions -- already annoy me. So let's go straight pessimistic, shall we?

No. 1, I am not a fan of Team Rainbow. Through discussions with Malavika, we've come to the conclusion that creating a clique like Team Rainbow is about as daring as wearing an "I love Bono" T-shirt at a U2 concert. Point being, um, it's "Top Chef" -- there are always gays. And lots of 'em. No. 2, what's the deal with Fabio? First of all, change your name. Secondly, can I get some closed captions up in here? It's like listening to a bad imitation of an Italian accent. Also, can he please dress up like Luigi of Super Mario Bros. from now on? He's a dead ringer.

Not to get completely glass-half-empty, I do enjoy Gene, the Hawaiian. Only for the fact that he looks like he could kill me and fry me up as a delectable, delicious dish -- then claim he had no idea how to make me in the first place. Winner! I also enjoy his large gold chain.

MJ, since Roz peppered me (no pun intended) with questions and I barely answered them, what were your thoughts of episode one? And what did you think of the challenges?

Malavika: Like last night's episode, I'm going to dive right in.

(Sidenote: I'm glad I wasn't the only one who noticed that Chef Tom has grown portlier in-between seasons -- is that what jicama does to a person?)

On the challenges: I thought they kicked off the season well by introducing the chefs to New York City via the cuisine. I liked seeing the chefs actually going to the neighborhoods to find ingredients instead of wandering around Whole Foods in a daze. Many of them worked with cuisines they were completely unfamiliar with and flavors that are not easy to execute such as Russian or Indian.

In fact, major props go to Gene the Hawaiian gangsta for pulling off Indian food -- and, yes, Padma wasn't lying when she said yogurt and rice is the classic South Indian staple that you'll find in every house, but rarely in restaurants. (Sidenote No 2: If you ever want a good laugh, watch Padma in the 2001 trainwreck that is the movie "Glitter." Seriously, she plays a disco dancer. It's awesome).

On the episode: A great way to kick off the season by kicking off two of the more annoying contestants in the first round -- the woman who pulled out the pity "my husband is in Iraq" card way too soon and her partner in culinary crime, Pat.

On the cliques: Euro Duo? Rainbow Team? This isn't "Survivor," folks. Stick to the game, please. However, I do enjoy the potential sparks between Stefan the Finnish wonder and hometown boy Danny.

Thomas: That said, let's hope those two potential hotheads start spitting fire over something more exciting than vinaigrette. Lisa's cross-armed reactions and Dale's locker punching set the bar pretty high. Our Channel Surfing material is only as good as the tantrums that precede it.

Also, ENOUGH of the freakin' "Real Housewives of the O.C.," or whatever the stupid name of that god-awful reality show is. I could've really used one of those "Top Chef" knives by the time promo No. 855 with Gretchen and her sugar daddy rolled around during the 10 p.m. hour.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com; Sara Boyd, sboyd2@greenbaypressgazette.com and Malavika Jagannathan, mjaganna@greenbaypressgazette.com.

"Top Chef" Lisa: Forever in our hearts and minds

It started with one brave soul.

And like Ronald Miller passionately performing the African anteater ritual to a stunned school auditorium in "Can't Buy Me Love," slowly everyone else got swept up in the domino effect and attempted to hang on for the wildest ride of their lives.

Ladies and gents, nothing else in the short history of Channel Surfing drew our bloggers' collective intrigue and ire like last season's roller coaster ride with "Top Chef" Lisa.

To look back on our Season Four posts is almost like reading the schizophrenic diary ramblings of a lovelorn teenage girl. We can't live without the show. We never want to see it again. We know its taking our devotion for granted, but we can't wait to forgive its transgressions while scribbling "Top Chef Forever!" in pink pen on our favorite unicorn folder.

It started with "Top Chef" pioneer Malavika Jagannathan laying out a few simple reasons why Channel Surfing readers should give the reality cooking show a chance. Slowly, Thomas Rozwadowski was indoctrinated, leading both he and MJ to mock original villain Spike's penchant for soup and fedoras before the knives really got sharpened for "I can barely make pasta even though I'm Italian" Nikki -- lovingly dubbed "blue-tinted glasses chick" by our highly-inventive staff. Snarky, fairly innocent jabs at Zoi (pronounced Zoy) and "Mimbo" Ryan followed, until the oven mitts really came off when Sara Boyd and Adam Reinhard joined the hate fest -- looking back, a restraining order really should have been required of Boyd -- as the Doo-Rag Wearing Fire-Breathing Hose Beast known as Lisa began crossing her arms, rolling her eyes and offering up "magenta drunk polish sausage" MINUS THE POLISH SAUSAGE to the stone-faced judges seemingly in her back pocket.

With our blood boiling like so many steaming pots of water during an Elimination Challenge, long overdue sanity finally prevailed once Too-Cute-For-Words Stephanie edged Richard the Baby Breeding Blaisinator in the ho-hum finale oh so many months ago. And now, a new class of culinary contenders and pretenders emerges -- this time with our collective feet in the frying pan from the very start.

So to celebrate the return of "Top Chef" -- tonight on Bravo at 9 p.m. -- we bring you our 10 favorite quips from last season's vicious, violent, and veracious post-a-thon. We wrote 'em, so of course we love 'em. But really, you kind of had to be there ...

Then re-join us here Thursday afternoon for a special "Top Chef" Commercial Interruption, the first of many in what we hope will be a deliciously demented, jicama-filled Season Five.

10. Thomas on “Mimbo” Ryan: “Look, if your 'California tailgate' concept is so terrible that it can't beat a chef who used store-bought sausage AND forgot to leave enough peppers and onions for the judges to accurately rate her food ... well, Ryan might want to become a Subway sandwich artist or start flashing his smile for 'Hottest Reality TV' calendars. He was like the Rex Grossman of chefs while in the Soldier Field parking lot.”

9. Sara on Lisa the Flabby-armed Devil-Woman Whose Mango Sticky Rice Tastes Like Dog Vomit: “The ‘chef who shall not be named’ continues to think people are out to get her and I can't remember the last time she made something that was appetizing to the judges. (With the exception of the wedding cake that tasted good but looked like a pyramid of poo.)”

8. Sara on anorexic host/judge Padma’s culinary “expertise”: “Yes, Padma is gorgeous, but girl needs to zip the lip when it comes to analyzing the dishes. She's a model and everyone knows models don't eat, so really, what credibility can she lend? For her to be a deciding factor at times is just ridiculous. I can't help but feel for the chefs who have to sit there and listen to her criticism on how the dish should've been made better, clearly based on her years of experience as ... ?? Exactly.”

7. Malavika on the Ultra-Defiant Frowny-Faced Cross-Armed Queen of the Damned: "Yes, Lisa is a great villain, but 'Top Chef' has produced villains in the past (Hung, the winner from last season, and Marcel from the previous season) who were both talented AND giant jackasses. Dale had villain-ish qualities, so why settle for You-Know-Who's pathetic attempts at arm-crossing and rice-making. Seriously, I think homegirl would screw up Uncle Ben's minute rice, given the chance."

6. Adam on the Too-Good For Polish Sausage Revolting Blob Who Must be Profusely Congratulated By Her Peers: "Her demands for acknowledgement from Richard and Stephanie bordered on the surreal, and reminded me a little of Glenn Close in 'Fatal Attraction' -- 'I'm not gonna be ignored, Dan!' But by that point, in my heavily discombobulated state, she could have ripped her face off, 'Mission: Impossible'-style, revealing herself to be, in fact, reality-show whore Danny Bonaduce and I wouldn't have batted an eye."

5. Sara on Croc-Man Richard's moment of truth: "When Richard said, 'I'm just going to come out and say it ...' I thought for shizz he was about to spit some Blaisin' fire at Miss I-Can-Make-Coconut-Soup-So-Give-Me-The-Gold-Medal-Ugface. There should've been a fight. Richard kept talking about how she shouldn't have been there ... my God man, get some danglers and say it to her face!"

4. Sara on Mayor Fatty McFatterson of Uglytown, USA: “It's ironic that last night's ‘Top Chef’ tested the chefs' skills at slaughtering full pigs, and even though Lisa had a clear advantage (being from the same family and all) she still ended up on the bottom.”

3. Malavika after Dale got voted off in favor of Jabba the Lisa: “I'm so angry, I want to eat everything with butterscotch as a giant middle finger to the judges.”

2. Thomas on Grumpy Sourpants McBulbousButt the Gross: "I'm past anger at this point. I find myself laughing hysterically while sticking plantains down my pants and contemplating a name change to Jicama McSweetbread. I don't even know what that means, but having been so thoroughly befuddled by Lisa's continued existence, it will have to do."

1. Adam on … yeah, you guessed it: “Stalin with a spatula. Hitler with a hibachi. Pol Pot with a ... pot. Lisa's the 'Top Chef' villain we love to hate. Or just hate."

-- The Channel Surfing staff and "Top Chef" Lisa Fan Club

Amazingly stupid people on "The Amazing Race"

I've refrained from posting anything on "The Amazing Race" this season, because well, quite frankly it doesn't seem like people are into watching it all that much.

Or at least compared to other reality shows that have drawn Channel Surfing's collective interest -- "Top Chef" returns Wednesday, woo-hoo! -- "Race" kind of glides by season after season with a winning premise, but never boasts much in the day-after drama department. It just keeps winning Emmy's -- seven straight -- for "Outstanding Reality Competition," that's all.

But I'd be remiss if I didn't at least comment on the overwhelming glee as Kelly, the Texas divorcee, got pelted in the face with dye and water (see picture below) during Sunday's episode. You see, Kelly and her best gal pal Christy are typical pampered Americans who not only believe the world revolves around them, but love to make fun of people who aren't part of their glamorous social circle back home -- they're ex-cheerleaders/dancers, so you get the drift. They also just ditched (or got ditched by) their husbands, which means they're all "I don't have to iron shirts anymore, ya'll," leading to false feelings of empowerment as they prance around India in sports bras.

Now normally, those qualities wouldn't make Kelly and Christy true reality TV villains. But after Sunday's episode, they proved that not only are they super-insensitive to other cultures -- commenting that India smells bad while in a taxicab won't win you favor with locals who don't sip Mochachinos and go to the spa every weekend -- and other contestants -- ewww, what's grosser than gross, kissing Andrew or Dan? -- they're also really, really, really stupid.

During the episode's roadblock challenge, contestants had to run through a gauntlet of dye-throwing and water-spewing natives celebrating a re-enactment of Holi festival before climbing a ladder and pulling an envelope that read "AMAZING RACE" among a majority marked "TRY AGAIN." Get past that whole paint-in-your-nose nonsense, and it's pretty straightforward stuff, right?

Honestly, it was about as much fun as you're ever going to see on reality TV -- spoiled brats getting pelted in the face with dye and seeing their hair turn all shades of the rainbow while calling fun-loving Indians a bunch of a-holes. But watching the sheer stupidity of Kelly as she whined about getting dye in her mouth, and then climbing the ladder, only to pull down a random envelope instead of one marked AMAZING RACE AMONG A SLEW OF THOSE EMBLAZONED WITH THE WORDS TRY AGAIN only led to hysterical fits of laughter on my couch. This went on three more times until they finally re-read the clue, and naturally, the Texas Twosome found themselves on elimination row.

That these two brain surgeons also misread clues on previous challenges only made the paint-a-palooza that much sweeter to witness. Karma, girls, karma. Act like an ugly American and you'll look like one with purple paint splattered on the side of your dome.

Now go try out for "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" and show your insensitive ex-husbands what they're really missing!

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com

You love "Money?" I hate VH1.

No, I didn't watch "I Love Money" during its 500th rerun on VH1 last night ...

But after being warned about its existence, I did flip past it on TV, and regrettably recognized "Whiteboy" and "Midget Mac" from the slap-happy abomination known as "I Love New York." As for how the rest of the episode developed ... well, I moved to a "Saved By the Bell" rerun on The N after I felt my retinas burning.

(It was the "Better Bayside" episode where they drill for oil and Zack suddenly turns into Doctor Dolittle because of his bond with Becky the duck. Oil spills. The animals die. Six kids apparently have the authority to stop an entire school from getting an Olympic-sized swimming pool because they're morally opposed to blood money. Line of the episode by Screech as Zack cradles an oil-covered stuffed animal in his arms: "She's where the oil can't hurt her now." Man, how can you not be moved by that?)

Ahem ... back to Midget Mac.

The premise appears to take no-name losers from several trashy VH1 shows -- or maybe you weren't satisfied with "Rock of Love" Rodeo's MySpace updates? -- and put them in competition with one another for, as the title so admirably suggests, money.

I know it's the pot calling the kettle black thanks to my love of "Real World/Road Rules Challenges," but dude, this was so much more fun on "The Surreal Life." Are there no more D-list celebrities to scrape off the pavement for that express train to hell? I know "The Two Coreys" have their own show ... saw a blurb for "Bromance" with some famous-for-no-reason douche from "The Hills" ... good god, are they really coming out with "Brooke Hogan Knows Best?" (Hmmm ... does little brother Nick get VH1 in prison?)

Damn, I guess the well is dry. I just tried to finish this joke by dragging out a long-forgotten, desperate celebrity as the punchline, and yeah ... nothing.

Anyway, the REAL reason for this post. Like me, the always-awesome Onion seems to have noticed how 2008 reality programming is making "Temptation Island" look like "Touched By An Angel" these days, leading to their clever write-up about a way-too-real-concept that is likely to be stolen by scummy VH1 CelebReality heads. (And yes, I know Peter Brady is a reality TV staple now, but it'd be kinda fun to see Bobby Brady on a show called "Lookinland for Love," no?)

You can't get upset about it, right? (Reaching for gun ...) You just have to laugh, right? RIGHT?

New VH1 Show Canceled For Not Being Pathetic Enough

NEW YORK—In a press release Tuesday, Viacom executives announced their newest hour-long VH1 Celebreality program, Knight Life, with former Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight, has been canceled for failing to reach the wretched depths of the network's low standards. "Despite some really excellent footage of Christopher vomiting into his hot tub, Knight Life was just not pitiful enough to meet our audience's expectations," Viacom president and CEO Philippe Dauman said of the show, which only featured three unsuccessful attempts to hit on strippers, two drunken brawls, and a single midget. "Unfortunately, the program lacked the petty and reprehensible acts that demean all humanity and make for good, compelling television." Dauman added that VH1 would consider bringing the show back if Knight were to become so distraught by the cancellation that he had to be hospitalized for an unsuccessful suicide attempt.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com

Lesson from "High School Confidential?" It's hard out there for a teenage girl

I've been hooked on watching WE tv's "High School Confidential" - a documentary series that follows 12 girls over four years at a Kansas City suburban high school - and I can't figure out why.

I mean, I'd like to forget about high school, not relive it.

But high school is also the perfect breeding ground for drama thanks to hormones, angst, optimism and, of course, youthful stupidity. Perhaps that explains the dizzying array of high school-teen shows that plague the airwaves every season, from the private school upper-crust hijinks of "The O.C." and "Gossip Girl" to the class-conscious spins in "Friday Night Lights" and "Veronica Mars." Then, once in a while, there's a show like "Freaks and Geeks," that portrays high school as it was - without all the hoopla and social commentary - in all its glorious suckiness and strange liberation.

In a way, "High School Confidential" could be seen as the real-life version of that type of show. It's honest. Sometimes frustrating. Often shocking. The girls chosen for the project are open in their discussions about the pressures of teenage life, but it doesn't come off as melodramatic.

The 25 girls interviewed for the series are fairly stereotypical at first glance - the aspiring model, the athlete, the overachiever - but generally break the mold by the end of each episode. Still it doesn't always end with "Breakfast Club" philosophical life changes.

On Monday I was forced to switch the channel when I heard Sara, an 18-year-old who decides to get married to her Marine boyfriend, whine ad nauseum about how her parents aren't behind her marriage 100 percent. This rant came at the heels of her future plans that somehow include three kids by the time she's 30, college and a home without falling into bankruptcy. (According to the Web site, she's managed to somehow achieve at least one of those things - buy a house and train to be a CRNA - so maybe I'm wrong).

Then again, I remember what it was like to be 17 and optimistic, so I probably shouldn't be too harsh.

"High School Confidential" airs on WE tv at 9 p.m. on Mondays with repeats on Wednesdays at 7 p.m.

-- Malavika Jagannathan, mjaganna@greenbaypressgazette.com

Live! It's 'Dancing' with the snores

OK, so let me just say what I know you're thinking: Hey, if you're going to admit to actually watching "Dancing with the Stars,'' you've pretty much given up any right to complain about it.

I totally get that. I was right there with you until I got sucked into the sequin orgy for the first time last season, and rather enjoyed myself. So ... weak and malnurished by the writers' strike, yeah, I came back for seconds this season. But hey, at least I didn't sit through two hours of "Idol Gives Back'' last night and subject myself to Teri Hatcher attempting to belt out "Before He Cheats.''

All that said, this season of "Dancing with the Stars'' -- consistently on the heels of "American Idol'' for the week's most-watched show in the Nielsen ratings -- is a drag. Or in "Dancing'' speak: 5! 5! 5!

And don't look for it to perk up anytime soon now that America has canned Adam Carolla, a bumbling dancer but a decent unicycle rider with a delightfully snarky sense of humor. Oh wait ... he was the only celeb with a sense of humor. Which is precisely the problem: This year's "Stars'' are about as compelling as this year's "Survivor'' Favorites.

Plus, stretching out those one-hour results show by subjecting us to the Jonas Brothers singing A-Ha's "Take on Me'' doesn't help matters.

Sure, officially the show's about how well you can do the tango or rumba, but all the dance floor action only keeps your interest if you get invested in the the celebs who are doing it. This year's crop hasn't inspired much of that. All their non-dance floor moments backstage, in rehearsals, in interviews are kind of zzzzz. (By the way, no idea what kind of happy drug Steve "The Gut'' Guttenberg was smokin' before each show, but I'll take some, please.)

Here's my gripes with some of this season's remaining competitors:

Jason Taylor: He and Edyta Sliwinska are generating the most heat this season, although I fully suspect some night that the invisible straps on one of her barely-there-outfits will snap and send her dress airborne on live TV. But do we really know anything more about the NFL's Man of the Year now than we did before the show started? No -- except that he has very white teeth.

Kristi Yamaguchi: Every bit as graceful and competent as everyone assumed the figure skater would be, but too guarded and kind of bor-ing. Len has a point: don't feel anything when she dances.

Priscilla Presley: Is it just me, or does the woman look like she's about ready to throw up every time the camera is on her? Yikes. The former Mrs. The King doesn't appear to be comfortable with any of this, or maybe it's just that all the Botox injections make her incapable of showing any enthusiasm.

Marissa Jaret Winokur: I'll give her this much, she's bubbly -- almost, but not quite, to the point where it could get on our nerves. But at least the Broadway star seems happy to be there.

Cristian de la Fuente: Still have no idea who this "international film star'' is, but he pulls off the no-shirt thing quite well. He also seems waaay uptight during the judges' critiques, like he could unleash major profanity in Spanish if they say the wrong thing.

Shannon Elizabeth: Probably my favorite dancer -- kind of this season's Jennie Garth. Too bad I had absolutely no interest in her or her career prior to "Stars,'' nor will I once the show is over.

Thoughts from anyone else out there on this season's celebs? Was last season just THAT good that this one was bound to be a disappointment?

-- Kendra Meinert, kmeinert@greenbaypressgazette.com

"Survivor's'' Manitowoc connection melts down

Just as I was about to write off "Survivor'' as a show painfully past its expiration date -- seriously, does every challenge need to involve a puzzle?! -- it was Kathy to the rescue during Wednesday night's episode.

The Manitowoc native had a meltdown -- bad for her, but good TV for us. And it wasn't just a minor meltdown, either. We're talking an EPIC meltdown of Susan the Wisconsin truck driver from Season 1 proportions.

Kathy Sleckman had already established herself as the odd woman out in the first episode of "Micronesia: Fans vs. Favorites'' with her comments (see her two trips to Exile Island), so when she went up to James and asked for "one more hug'' to help bring her out of her soggy weather-induced funk, it seemed typical Kathy -- a little weird, a little annoying but basically good-intentioned deep down.

Who knew it would open the flood gates to what had to be close to a 3-minute breakdown in front of the cameras. Amid sobs and tears, as her Airai tribe mates looked on in uncomfortable bewilderment, she repeatedly said, "I can't be here one more minute! I can't take it!'' Awkward attempts to comfort her ended with: "I wanna go home! I want them to come and get a boat and pick me up and take me away!''

So they did, and Northeastern Wisconsin's connection to this season of "Survivor'' took her pigtails and went home to her family in Glen Ellyn, Ill.

For a season built on the premise of pitting the ultimate "Survivor'' fans against past "Survivor'' players, casting in the fans department hasn't been so swell. First, a feeble Chet basically begged his tribe to vote him out at Tribal Council, and then Kathy up and quits.

But, for better or worse, at least those two players felt real, which is more than can be said for the increasing number of bony models in bikinis who are cast as contestants ... and the whole fishiness of Jonny Fairplay's disappearing act this season ... and that Herbal Essences Great Escape Spa reward last night ... and ...

-- Kendra Meinert, kmeinert@greenbaypressgazette.com