"The Hills" are alive!

Confession time. I've watched only five minutes of "The Hills," and that was while walking back and forth from the kitchen to the living room, or more accurately, DOING SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE. Ahem, sorry.

The scene featured two people fighting over a piece of art work ... or paint color ... I honestly can't remember. Then last night, my wife -- who is a "Hills" fan, and apparently proud of it since when I gasped, "Oh no, you're recording "The Hills," she said, "I have to." She'll probably deny that now, but she said it. Emphatically. I heard it. -- was watching a recap and I saw another five minutes before reaching for the lamp cord so I could begin strangling myself.

Anyway, I don't want to hate on the "The Hills." Sure I might not be "down" with "LG" or "Heidi Montauk." But everyone is allowed a guilty pleasure (I have expressed many on this blog), so I don't want to be judgmental -- even of an insipid show on MTV.

So I'm turning to Channel Surfing's "Hills" expert, Sara Boyd, to help explain the fascination that seemingly intelligent people have with this show before it begins its fourth season tonight. (Ed. note: The previous comment in no way implies that Boyd is intelligent. In fact, she's not.)

QUESTIONS:

Whenever people talk about "The Hills," they inevitably discuss the fact that Lauren Conrad is sooooooo awesome, like they know her and want her to be the Maid of Honor at their wedding. I know people can certainly be likeable on camera. But why does everyone like LC so much? Honestly, because everyone likes her so much, I kinda hate her now. Yeah, I said it.

I know nothing about Heidi Montag except that she has had as much plastic surgery as Michael Jackson. Yet why, if I saw her on the street, would I feel this overwhelming urge to punch her in her fake nose?

Why does everyone hate this Spencer guy so much? Is it because he hates Lauren, and she's like Jesus or something?

Why does it bother me that people who aren't actors get recognition and apparently, phone commercials, for being actors in a show that is real, but real for entertainment purposes only? Does that even make sense?

Furthermore, how can there be any real sentiment on a show that places people -- who may or may not even be friends -- in contrived situations that are purely made for TV? I mean, "The Real World" is a pile of garbage, too, but it doesn't pretend to be an accurate reflection of anything ... it's just people trying to be famous for 15 minutes. I can watch that because I have no real investment. Yet "The Hills" actors are actually famous and people seem to legitimately care about the drama of their lives. Don't you feel like they're tricking you into caring about something you really shouldn't care about? Are you at least slightly embarrassed that I'm superior in every way to you because I don't watch this ridiculously stupid show?

Finally, why did I just waste my time asking you questions when I don't really care to know the answers?

Sara "SB" Boyd responds: Whoa, whoa, whoa. First of all, let's get one thing straight -- watching "The Hills" is the most productive thing you can do. I cannot think of a better way to spend an hour of my life than plastered in front of the ol' boob tube consistently uttering "Oh no, she di'int" every 15 minutes.

Secondly, just because "The Hills" may not have the uber-geeky plotlines of "Heroes" (a cheerleader who starts fires and not in her panties? Um, nerd alert!) and doesn't have the ultra cool ego of "Lost" (which let's be honest is "Gilligan's Island" with slightly less coconuts) does NOT mean it is a bad show.

But I apologize, I forget I'm talking to a old fart who doesn't quite understand the "lingo" and questions the "crap we kids listen to these days." (Ed. note: T-Roz is 28. He's so cool, Boyd got a bad case of frostbite just opening an e-mail from him.)

The truth is, "The Hills" has everything and more that anyone could want in a one-hour television show. Beautiful people? Check. Big drama (contrived or not)? Check. High fashion? Check. Twenty-somethings making it rain? Check.

So because Mr. Rozwadowski (if that is your REAL name) cannot understand the "hip" and "rad" ways of us in the under-30 realm, I will once again try and educate him -- a task that may never be possible since TomTom is old and senile ... but I will give it my best shot.

ANSWERS:

1. Why does everyone like LC so much?

The answer to this question is three-fold. First, LC, or Miss Conrad, is just about as down to Earth as one could be on an over dramatized, "add alcohol for drama" faux-reality TV show. And we've loved her ever since her TV beginnings on "Laguna Beach." She's been the victim of many a love stories gone wrong and for that, we feel for the girl. She bounces back -- and usually with a better wardrobe afterwards.

Secondly, there's always an enemy to our precious LC and in comparison, LC is always the cooler of the two. First, we had Kristen -- who claimed she was an "actress" playing a part ... even though her part was to play the role of Kristin Cavallari. Clearly, she sucked so it was no contest -- and she stole hottie Steven away from our LC. Now, we have Heidi who is so fake -- in personality and appendages -- that it makes LC look even more real.

Finally, LC is just cool. She always looks super cute and has a great sense for fashion, and when it comes down to it -- that's all that matters. She also has been one of the only reality TV stars not to try and ride the celebrity train. She has a fashion line -- which, um, hello? was what she went to school for to try and do as a career -- but she's not putting out a horrid record album or looking to star in any movies. Yes, she's been in that commercial ... but again, as herself, not as "LC, the actress superstar!"

2. Why, if I saw (Heidi Montag) on the street would I feel this overwhelming urge to punch her in her fake nose?

This is a common feeling and I understand where you're coming from. If you find yourself in such a situation, I would recommend you go with it. Let your natural instincts guide you -- but wear a glove ... fresh plastic tends to leave a mark that no amount of antibacterial soap will ever clean.

3. Why does everyone hate this Spencer guy so much? Is it because he hates Lauren, and she's like Jesus or something?

Yes. (Also, see response #2 and sub Heidi for Spencer ... or if you're lucky, kill two birds with one stone -- hypothetically speaking, of course.)

4. Why does it bother me that people who aren't actors get recognition and apparently, phone commercials, for being actors in a show that is real, but real for entertainment purposes only? Does that even make sense?

No, it doesn't make sense. That is quite the loaded question. Thank God you don't ask questions for a living ... or, wait. "The Hills" cast should each download Heidi Montag's single (illegally, of course -- don't pay for that tone deaf swill) and make a mental note-to-self: DO NOT attempt.

5. How can there be any real sentiment on a show that places people -- who may or may not even be friends -- in contrived situations that are purely made for TV?

Contrived situations, true, but real sentiment is all over that show. Did you not see the preview for the new season?! LC has legit mascara running down her face. At one point she looks like the freakin' "Dark Knight" Joker and you're asking for REAL sentiment? Puh-lease. It doesn't get more real than a girlfriend with mascara rolling down her Dolce and Gabbana couture. Let's not forget, this show started as a reality TV show of the richy-rich high schoolers you wanted so badly to hate. And let's be honest, none of them are THAT good of actors. The emotions are real and sure, while they may tell Spencer, "Hey, dude. You should hit on that girl and see what Heidi does" for the purposes of good television ... what happens after the dramafication is pure gold.

Final thoughts: Thomas, don't be so dramatic. You love being the guy who says "Oh, the Hills? Uh, I'm so above that ..." but you know deep down that you could easily be sucked into an all-day marathon and consider it a day well spent.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com and Sara Boyd, sboyd2@greenbaypressgazette.com