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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Coulier is a heartbreaker ... love taker ... don't you mess around!

It took 13 years to crack the case. But it looks like the world finally knows who the subject behind Alanis Morissette's vitriolic '90s screed "You Oughta Know" is.

Unlike the outlandish rumor that future crystal meth addict Jodie Sweetin died in a 1993 car crash, the well-documented scuttle about "Full House's" zany Joey Gladstone being Alanis' heartbreaker is well ... true!

Uncle Joey himself, Mr. Dave Coulier, recently told the Calgary Herald as part of a "What Ever Happened To" feature that he was driving when he first heard the song and thought, "Wow, this girl is angry."

"And then I said, 'Oh man, I think it's Alanis.' . . . I listened to the song over and over again, and I said, 'I think I have really hurt this person.' I tried to contact her and I finally got a hold of her. And at the same time, the press was calling and saying, 'You want to comment on this song?' I called her and I said, 'Hi. Uh, what do you want me to say?' And she said, 'You can say whatever you want.' We saw each other and hung out for an entire day. And it was beautiful. It was one of those things where it was kind of like, 'We're good.' "

Hmmm ... that seems to be a rather convenient reconciliation and recollection of events. Maybe Alanis raking in millions from Coulier "cutting ... it ... off" allowed for a swift truce on her end. Or maybe the Tanner family's resident hockey aficionado has taken too many pucks to the head.

Either way, this Channel Surfer and "Full House" trivia expert is having a hard time coming to grips with wacky, woodchuck-loving Uncle Joey being the perpetrator. I mean, we're talking about a guy who made a living cracking jokes on "Star Search" with his hands as Bullwinkle antlers. A guy who gave up the best years of bachelorhood to live in a garage and chaperone Danny Tanner's spoiled children (well, spoiled for children who lost their mother in a tragic car accident) at Disney Land. A guy who barely raised his voice even when Kimmy Gibbler was all handsy with his Popeye and Olive Oyl dolls.

Say it ain't so, Ranger Joe. Say it ain't so.

Anyway, armed with this incredible confession, I decided to look at the "You Oughta Know" lyrics again ... complete with full Alanis rage-o-rating since it's finally been confirmed that the Canadian Bad Boy is the slimiest of snakes. Also, anyone wanna place bets on who the "other" woman was? I'm putting safe money on Aunt Becky.

Calmly looking at old pictures while emotionally distressed on a lonely Saturday night: "Does she speak eloquently/And would she have your baby/I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother."

Frantically tearing up old pictures while emotionally distressed after a few glasses of wine on a lonely Saturday night turning into Sunday morning: "Does she know how you told me you'd hold me/Until you died, 'til you died/But you're still alive!"

Cranky and condescending but polite enough that the phone number doesn't have to be changed juuuuuuust yet: "Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity/I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner."

Um, I don't care how sweet you were on "You Can't Do That On Television." Now we're talking restraining order: "And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back/I hope you feel it ... well can you feel it?"

Just plain weird that this is Dave freakin' Coulier and not John Stamos we're talking about: "Is she perverted like me/Would she go down on you in a theater?"

(In other news, "Hand in My Pocket" was about Bob Saget. Who knew? Actually, for the "Full House" fan in all of us, Comedy Central is airing "The Bob Saget Roast," hosted by Stamos, at 9 p.m. CST, Sunday. No word on whether Coulier will be there to do his Tasmanian Devil impression.)

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com

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1 Comments:

This post is more hilarious than the time Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey used the kitchen sprayer to hose Michelle off after a diaper change. Wait, I don't know if that's a compliment ...

(PS - I never realized how horrible those lyrics were until now.)

By Anonymous mary, At August 15, 2008 at 8:50 AM  

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