The Hills are alive!

And unfortunately they’re predictable. Yes, the lovable and quasi-reality TV hit, “The Hills” is back for another promising drama-filled season.

Monday night's premiere could only be described as a longer version of the far-too-frequently-aired preview commercials that hit MTV about six months ago. Yes, Spencer and Heidi are headed for splitsville. Yes, Lauren goes to Paris and Brody cheats on her. And yes, the after-effects of thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery is apparent on season three Heidi.

This is all information we learned through MTV's relentless ads for the show's premiere. But per the beauty of the show, no matter how predictable or unsurprising the episode details are, it still entertains and amuses with the formula of pretty, rich girls and almost-true situations.

I did thoroughly enjoy the fact that Spencer -- aka: the biggest douche in the Western Hemisphere -- flew his sad ass all the way to Colorado to see and try to make amends with Heidi only to get the cold shoulder and an equally chilly, "I need you to move out." According to my roommate Kevan, if seen on the street, "I would totally punch that guy in the face." It's true and honestly, I'm surprised no one on the show has tried it yet. I think L.C. definitely deserves first dibs. Here's a tip Spence, if Heidi goes to Colorado, doesn't answer her phone and refuses to speak to you ... don't fly across the country to see her.

A world away in Paris, Lauren discovers her so-called man Brody has already replaced her with some new ho. Just two days after she left. Classy, Brody. Surprising? Not in the least, but that doesn't mean Lauren should run to the first nasty, bearded French dude she finds. Seriously, how dirtbaggish were all those boys L.C. and Whitney hung out with? Plus, Beardy knows Lauren for like 0.3 seconds and already gets jealous when Man with Ponytail starts talking to her. Not a good sign. And he's in a band called Rock&Roll ... um, hello??

The only dramatic moment not already seen in the previews occurs when Lauren discovers her ball gown she decided to alter herself, has nasty brown stains on it. Not going to lie, when she first discovered the stains, I got scared L.C. had a visitor from Aunt Flow. Thankfully, the spots turned out to be burns from a curling iron ... well, I guess not thankfully really since Lauren panics and starts crying. One quick stop and crisis averted, L.C. gets a new ball gown and heads off to the Teen Vogue debutante ball Cinderella-style.

End of show wrap-up: Heidi tells Spencer to suck it like her latest round of Lipo, Lauren jumps from one dirtbag to another and Whitney discovers there may be life beyond Teen Vogue (gasp!) Can it get any better than that!? Well, on MTV anyway?

-- Sara Boyd, sboyd2@greenbaypressgazette.com