Beauty and the Geek: Varsity Blues Edition

Just when you thought beauty versus geek would have left beauty hating geek, that crazy Ashton Kutcher mixes it up.

Sure, we all probably thought it would happen -- or at least knew it needed to -- but last night's pathetic excuse for a flag football game proved the show needed to regain its past formula. That's right, beauty is now being paired with geek for the overly-awkward, at-times-uncomfortable, geeky hot teams we've all been waiting for.

After last night's crazy episode, I fear there was just too much to cover for one blogger so I've enlisted the help of fellow blogger and lover of quasi-crappy TV, Malavika, to join me.

Now, let's get on with the show.

Sara: The beauties and geeks anxiously await for the return of the four beauties who have earned their spot back on the show -- and curiosity rises to which beauty has been sent home. Sweater vest enthusiast (yes, that's really his title) Tommy hopes to see his "lover" Amber, the "runway model," return while the beauties hope that drama queen has hit the road. I love how Tommy thinks that because she talked to him, they're in a relationship.

Malavika: Poor Tommy. Upon finding out that his precious Amber has thankfully been eliminated, he vows that the minute he's off the show, he'll attempt to find her. It's pathetic. Moving on. Twist #1 is that the Beauties and the Geeks have to send a member of their team to the other - Beauties pick Jillian, a weak link, and the Geeks exchange Chris - and host Mike announced that their challenge is something sport-related. Enter montage of Beauties and Geeks navigating sporting equipment.

Sara: I must say I loved the montage of Tommy's incredibly sad line, "I will date a supermodel" paired immediately with Amber's line, "They're nice guys, but I would never date any of them." Good riddance, though - she crazy. So beauties seem excited about the sports challenge, while geeks are extremely apprehensive. Favorite clips of the montage: Geeky Jim lobbing the football straight into the pool and beauty Tara talking about she hates getting dirty, "And, like, what if the outfits we have to wear don't match?" says a panicked Tara. After the seemingly endless Rocky references, the beauties and geeks are told their challenge. Time to hit the football field Varsity Blues style - minus the whip cream bikini - for a game of flag football. One catch: the team that loses automatically sends the switched teammate (Jillian or Chris) home.

Malavika: Ah, the Los Angeles Coliseum. Where dreams come true and Jack Bauer becomes a sniper. Let the practice sessions begin. First of all, we have Joe the Cowboy who has clearly learned everything he knows about football from watching reruns of "Remember the Titans" and "Waterboy." Seriously "two on one" is not a strategy. On the beauties side, Chris is coaching. And is that lip gloss he's sporting? Why, yes, it is. The game starts with a phenomenal 10-yard kickoff, and the madness ensues. Tommy practically knocks Chris out, but Chris manages to score the first touchdown once he realizes the geeks know absolutely squat about defense.

Sara: A poor showing of football talent, indeed, MJ. It seems both teams are using the strategy of flailing around without direction for a majority of their game plan. Joe the Cowboy shows his competitive side, and by competitive, clearly I mean abusive. With all his cliche football lines, I literally sat on the edge of my chair waiting for him to say, in cowboy hat and all, "I don't want ... yo life." Joe body slams Randi (who then does her part in erasing the stereotype of angry, black woman) then Joe screams at teammate Jillian until she cries and finally ends with a good 'ol, football-movie-cliche angry hat throw. Tara claims Jonathan grabbed her boob as a form of defense - after getting the instant replay, the tape shows ... Tara wishes. Jonathan clearly threw his arm out to stop her, without any boob grabbage. The beauties are dominating, er, Chris is dominating the geeks.

Malavika: It's looking like the beauties will run away with this game when "One Tough Mama" Tiffany takes Matt the Poet from Dallas down. More like one abusive mother. Matt has to be escorted off by a medic even though he swears he's OK (his arm/shoulder doesn't look so good). His injury revives the geeks, who manage to score a touchdown with their passing game (who says passing doesn't win games?). The beauties - er, well, Chris - answers with a return on a kickoff, and the final score is 24 to 12. Beauties win! Beauties win! Beauties win!

Sara: Unfortunately and quite pathetically, the geeks learn too little too late their main game plan should have been give the ball to 6'6" Tommy, have him take three strides and score a touchdown. The beauties' win means Playboy bunny Jillian must immediately head home, which few beauties seems to notice or care about. Sidenote: Continued interviews with Cara, the aspiring soap star, make me wish I was deaf. Girl needs to stop talking like a 5 year old. Back to the house, beauties are told instead of sending geeks to the elimination room - they will be pairing up and choosing their geeky partners. Seven beauties and eight geeks mean it's gym class all over again - last one to not be chosen, packs their bags.

Malavika: The decision making is not going well. First of all, everyone wants Greg - the self-proclaimed "Gaysian" - which I totally understand but where's the love for geeky Jim? Also, Tara - or maybe Cara - starts weeping because she's not getting the geek she wants. It's very 'motional, but the beauties agree they've "come to the right decision." Fast forward to the staircase scene, where the poor geeks have to endure a being-picked-for-dodgeball type situation. Cara picks Chris. They hug it out on Mike's command. Amanda gets Tommy. Leticia picks Matt (natch!). Randi gets Greg - they're clearly going for becoming the show's minority powerhouse couple. Kristina picks Jason. Then... Tiffany picks Jim. And the beauties are shocked. She was supposed to pick Jonathan, but apparently received advice from a higher power before making her ultimate decision to pick Jim.

Sara: Who says the power of prayer is dead? With Jim receiving the heavenly selection, Joe the Cowboy and Jonathan the Mama's Boy are left with Tara having to make the Sophie's Choice-like decision. Of course, she immediately starts weeping. Personally, it's my belief that Joe the Cowboy has given his last salute and should be left the last one standing for his poor sportsmanship during the football game. But it was Tara who claimed Jonathan grabbed her boob as a form of defense - would choosing him give him the wrong idea? Just then the most annoying three words flash across the screen: To be continued ... Are you freaking kidding me?!

Looks like we'll have to wait until next Tuesday to see which geek will be packing up his pocket protector and thick-framed glasses and heading home to his parent's basement. Damn reality TV and the enticing lure it provides. Is it Tuesday yet?

-- Sara Boyd, sboyd2@greenbaypressgazette.com and Malavika Jagannathan, mjaganna@greenbaypressgazette.com