Week 3: "Top Chef" Power Rankings

Oddly, my handy dandy AT&T guide does not list a new episode of "Top Chef" this week. So either something is screwy on my end or Padma and Co. are taking the week off to show a repeat of the Penn & Teller episode. Blimey!

Either way, Robin shocked the world last week by not only staving off elimination, but doing it with immunity from the Quickfire. Score one for the cancer survivor.

Fate, however, did not smile kindly on Biggie Smalls Ron, who dropped a few dope rhymes for his Haitian brethren, but ultimately got capped like a fellow Big Poppa before him.

If indeed this is an off week, Evan's going to have to hope his hot streak carries the same sizzle in October. He was the only person to place Ron at the bottom, giving him a total of 10 points and the lead. Sara, Thomas and Ms. Q also nabbed 5 points thanks to Big Red Kevin's Elimination win. Mary still sits in second with six points while Kelly, MJ and Adam remain huge, huge losers. They may as well get lip rings and call it a day.

Onto this week's (or next week's) rankings:

1. Jen Carroll
2. Michael "Maverick" V.
3. Kevin "Grizzly" Gillespie
4. Bryan "Goose" V.
5. Michael "I'm a Tool" Isabella
6. Eli Kirshtein
7. Ashley Merriman
8. Laurine Wickett
9. Robin Leventhal
10. Ash Fulk

-- Evan Siegle, 10 points

1. Michael "Deconstruction is my middle name" Voltaggio
2. "I'm so good, someone might want to check to see if I have a penis" Jen Carroll
3. Kevin "I have an awesome red beard and you don't" Gillespie
4. Bryan "I may have smiled last episode" Voltaggio
5. Eli "I hate people with cancer" Kirshtein
6. Michael "I miss Mattin, but not in a gay way" Isabella
7. Ashley "I'm not really a dark horse, just extremely lucky that the three people beneath me are far worse chefs" Merriman
8. Robin "I'll stay on another week to cause some drama. Can I have my handkerchief now?" Leventhal
9. Laurine "Yes mom, I'm still on the show" Wickett
10. Ash "I'm just happy to be able to turn on an oven" Fulk

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, 5 points

1. Kevin Gillespie, aka: Zach Galifianakis
2. Jennifer "I don't move my mouth when I talk" Carroll
3. Bryan "I do not smile. Ever." Voltaggio
4. Michael Voltaggio, aka: Chef Slim Shady, aka: Tony Hawk
5. Eli "Seriously Jewish" Kirshtein
6. Ashley "Ben Kweller/Young Bob Dylan" Merriman
7. Michael "Jagga bombs!" Isabella
8. Ash Fulk, more like Ass... nevermind
9. The chick who's name I will NEVER remember (aka: Laurine)
10. Robin "Seriously, I hate you" Leventhal

-- Sara Boyd, 5 points

1. Michael "Humdrum" Voltaggio
2. Jennifer "Kitchen Boss" Carroll
3. Kevin "Bunyan" Gillespie
4. Bryan "Drab and Dreary" Voltaggio
5. Ashley "He-She" Merriman
6. Mike "Misogyny" Isabella
7. Eli "Blazer's Sous Chef" Kirshtein
8. Robin "Salad and Cobbler" Leventhal
9. Ash "Skin of his teeth" Fulk
10. Laurine "Seriously, who?" Wickett

-- Kelly McBride, zero points

(If the Top Cheffers were Dick Tracy villains ...)

1. Mumbles Malone (Jennifer)
2. The Squat Semite (Eli)
3. Bland Face (Bryan)
4. Fur Neck (Kevin)
5. Bland Face Jr. (Mike V.)
6. Comb Killer (Ashley)
7. Danny Douche (Mike I.)
8. 5-Hour Energy (Laurine) (Cuz her name sounds like taurine, get it?)
9. The Cockroach (Robin)
10. The Gargantuan Head (Ash)

-- Adam Reinhard, zero points

1. Jennifer
2. Bryan "Stop Wearing Your Baseball Hat Because I Can't Tell You Apart From Your Brother Otherwise" Voltaggio
3. "I'm A Lumberjack and I'm OK" Kevin
4. "Exploding Pressure Cooker Extraordinaire" Eli
5. Michael "I am so passionate about food... zzzzzzzzzz" Voltaggio
6. "I Am Man/Woman, Hear Me Roar" Ashley
7. "I've Run Out of Things To Mock Your Name With" Laurine
8. "Jim Gaffigan/John C. Reilly weep profusely" Ash
9. Mike "Girly Last Name" Isabella
10. "Check Out My Salad and Apple Crisp... oh and I have Cancer" Robin

-- Malavika Jagannathan, zero points