These Are celebrities? Get ME out of here.

That face says it all.

Says it all in horrible, humiliating, terrifying ways that may never allow me to look the world in the eyes again.

Heidi Montag needs makeup. She needs it all the time. She needs it like Lou Diamond Phillips apparently needs his career back.

I stomached about half of last night's "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" debut on NBC. Having tuned in for the guiltiest of pleasures -- but mainly to rip on it in this wonderful blog, huzzah! -- I can't really determine how the show differs from "Celebrity Fear Factor" ... except, you know, by scaring the living crap out of ME upon showing Heidi's ghastly, Botox-laden mug in HD several times throughout the program. (Having mentioned this to "Hills" fan Sara Boyd, she figured an apt comparison was the Michael Jefferson ... er, Jackson ... melting-face episode of "South Park" that apparently re-aired last night. Oh, sweet irony.)

Usually with guilty pleasure reality shows, there's some kind of justification even the most intelligent among us will come up with to keep tuning in. With "American Idol," I can understand an unnatural attachment to Danny Gokey. On "Rock of Love Bus," I can understand how watching trashy women throw themselves at an aging, trashy rocker could lead to a few stifled laughs.On this show ... well, I just felt really bad for Lou Diamond Phillips. You had a career, dude! You were in "La Bamba." Seriously. I had no idea he was a last minute throw in. I'm shocked LDP is on the same level of "American Idol" reject Sanjaya and Patti freakin' Blagojevich.

Also, Heidi and Spencer praying with Patti Blago? I don't claim to have a direct line to Jesus, but c'mon, the King of Kings found that to be pretty messed up.

Anyway, this Costa Rican jungle experiment is just one, long torture fest of spiders, maggots, beetles and other creepy crawlers either being dropped on people's heads or in their mouths. If this were Sean Hannity being waterboarded, I'd be giddy as hell. But watching Stephen Baldwin try to choke down some tripe? Does anyone really care about that guy?"

I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" isn't funny. It isn't fun. It's just really, really bad television. But you probably didn't need a blog post from me to confirm that.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com