The "Jon & Kate" trifecta: Embracing the madness

For a group of individuals so adamant about not wanting to ever post about "American Idol," you'd think Channel Surfing would have higher standards than to keep writing about the Gosselins.

Well, you'd be wrong.

Yes, this is our third post in a row about "Jon & Kate Plus 8." Yes, we've made it abundantly clear that we're not proud of this fact while fully acknowledging that by being first in line for the freak show, we're totally fueling the Gosselins' celebrity fire.

But at this point, it's kind of like eating a hot dog. We don't want to know what it's made out of. Just let the delicious meaty goodness tickle the back of our throat so we at least get some satisfaction in our daily, wretched lives. (That's what she ... um, nevermind.)

Anyway, since I posted yesterday about how I haven't really been keeping tabs on the Gosselins -- yet I seem to know more about them than I do my own family members -- today's post will solely be about last night's DRAMATIC divorce episode.

For those who didn't watch (or won't admit to watching), the first 20 minutes were about a company in Maine dropping off four "crooked" playhouses for the sprawling Gosselin backyard.

This would seem like an innocuous lead-in to the "Big D" talk, but nothing gets past me, TLC. I know you're trying to set up a "shaky foundation" metaphor for our troubled couple! Either that, or this is just another company handing out freebies to the Gosselins in exchange for a show plug and some gratuitous t-shirt shots on the kids.

Yeah, it's probably the latter.

Anyway, Jon clears a bunch of space in the woods for the playhouses because he wants to shield his kids from the paparazzi (and they show three cameramen setting up shop outside the house.) Once Kate, who apparently doesn't know the size of her own lot, realizes how far back the woods are, she silently freaks out about the distance and whether her kids will ultimately be safe so far away from the house.

For the record, I completely agree with this line of thinking. However, knowing that every Gosselin disagreement probably ends with a "I never slept with that teacher, you stupid whore!" grenade sending emotional shrapnel everywhere, Kate wisely decides not to pick a bloody fight. Instead, a compromise is reached, but only after Jon acts like a turd during an abrupt "conversation" about the matter.

Blah, blah, blah ... Mady and Cara act really annoying (please TLC, get the camera off these two blathering attention thieves.) Jon and Kate act about as cordial around each other as Brett Favre and Ted Thompson would during a No. 4 retirement ceremony at Lambeau Field. The crooked houses' workers get their free plug ... and it's onto the couch for some deep, deep divorce discussion that likely gave Dr. Phil an ... (again, um, nevermind.)

Jon continues to mumble and make illogical, repetitive comments like, "we just want to unite for the sake of our kids, our goal is to jointly come together." Kate uses the word "upsetness." Jon feigns anger that soldiers are dying in Iraq yet Us Weekly is obsessed with what he's eating for lunch. (Was it tuna, Jon? Huh? Huh?) The fractured couple claims not to hate one another, but thanks to body language and facial cues, it's also a given that both wouldn't mind seeing the other badly injured on the side of the road with vultures circling overhead.

All the drama leads to several important questions:

What becomes of the show? Apparently, it's still a go and Jon will either make fatherly cameos or Dave Coulier is set to be hired as a stand-in dad. Cut. It. Out.

As I'm typing, TV Guide has also tweeted that the show will be on hiatus until August. Crap. I guess it's just "Little Couple" drama for me from now on.

What becomes of Jon? He's reportedly been apartment hunting in New York and even made the claim last night that someone could offer him a job. Here's a bold guess: Jon Gosselin, you are the next "Celebrity Apprentice!"

What's different about Kate? According to last night's mantra, a breast enhancement must also be "what's best for the kids."

And finally, what about those adorable kids (not including Mady)? Your home movies of boring camping trips and family roadies to the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota got nuthin' on the Gosselin archive! Or think of it this way. It's like that "Simpsons" episode where Lisa rips out Ralph Wiggum's heart at the Krusty anniversary show.

"And the moment where Jon officially began dreaming of sweet, sweet death at the cost of his children ... PAUSE."

Yep, it's time to stick a fork in this show. The divorce announcement was long overdue, but unless TLC is plotting some more media manipulation for the show's August return, I can't imagine even the most strident "Jon & Kate" supporters sticking around for a split shift with the kids. Judging by Mady and Cara, the little ones only have two more years of "cuteness" left anyway, so the expiration date on this tainted milk carton is coming fast. But I have to believe that fans of this show originally felt happy for the family getting financial support, originally felt happy that the couple appeared truly in love, were looking out for their kids' best interest.

Now? Well, all scams eventually are uncovered.

Bottom line: no one wants to watch a fractured family unless there's some "Roseanne"-like sarcasm or "Arrested Development" wackiness involved. If we all wanted to see parents not getting along, we'd just wait until dad fired his TV dinner tray at mom's head during annual Thanksgiving festivities.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com