Jon + Kate + Fake Tans + BMWs + Divorce = Ratings = Me Gouging My Eyes Out

I'll take the bullet right off the bat.

While I wouldn't consider myself a "fan" by any stretch, I've watched more than my share of "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" episodes (and no, I will not be throwing someone else in my house under the bus for this indiscretion.) It was my choice to sit on the couch and watch the Gosselin kids jump on beds and stick fingers up their noses. Guilty as charged, I suppose.

But once the media storm hit -- and man, did it ever hit. Heck, even Brett Favre thinks the Gosselins are overexposed -- I started to have a visceral, violent reaction every time Jon or Kate crossed my periphery (this happens a lot in grocery store aisles. I sincerely apologize to the man at Copps who I bludgeoned with a pineapple.)

Look, I still don't have a problem with the kids ... except that brat Mady, who yes, deserved to be deprived of water before that Access Hollywood appearance since she was pulling the ol' "I'm gonna die of dehydration" bit. You want dramatics? Yeah, I'll watch you shrivel like a raisin before you get a sip of my delicious H2O, muwahahahahahaha! (Ahem, you can tell I don't have kids ...)

Anyway, I've been slightly drawn back into the dark pit of despair that is the Gosselin' tabloid life with tonight's MUST SEE reveal that something life-altering is going down. We all know it's the D-word (no, not the one you're thinking about in reference to BMW-driving Jon), but our lives are so boring, we'll all tune in so we can either see Jon castrated live on TV or Kate order someone at the beauty salon to spank her kid because she's too busy getting a pedicure and spray tan.

Yeah, I'll probably watch with hopes that something juicy is revealed. Yeah, that makes me guilty for the ongoing stupidity and lethargy of this country -- you know, the kind that allows people like the Gosselins to become mega-stars simply by cranking out eight kids and letting cameras follow them around like they're the royal family.

But at least I have an excuse. I get paid to blog about TV. What excuse could these people - who litter sites like EW.com with ridiculously personal comments -- possibly have?

Among my favorites (unedited for your reading pleasure):

"Yeah Kate is a Type-A, do it my way person who berates her husband at every turn, but why is all the hatred directed at her? When was/is Jon going to 'MAN UP'. He lost his job, he wanders around looking glassy eyed like it just smoked a joint. He doesn't seem interested in anything but his kids. He hates playing Mr. Mom, but he has bothered to do anything else. You got the Duggars with 18 kids and their Dad works and can come home and help the Mom and be happy. Jon is a selfish little brat who realized that his twenties have been spent raising kids and instead of doing something positive he is just going to try and act like a kid. They both need therapy."

"omg...look at what WE'VE done by watching this show: jon has new diamond earrings, a OCC bike, a huge tractor ; kate has new boobs, a tan, a trainer, a personal dresser...and now they are sharing a million dollar house with the children. jon will spend his time away in NYC and who knows where Kate goes. poor kids, how sad..when you don't know how to hang on to family values, money ruins it all and the kids who only want their mom and dad together will suffer the most. crooked houses/broken lives. sad sad sad."

"I don't condone cheating but at some point if you don't stop nagging a man, he is going to get sick of it and start looking elsewhere. Thats all Kate does is nag nag nag. And yes jon is a pathetic child who has a lot of growing up to do. Neither one of them deserve those children!"

"You're all a bunch of jerks. You all need to lay off Kate. Yeah she may be a control freak, but wouldn't you be to if you had 8 kids and an immature husband. He may be nice but that doesn't mean he's responsible. I thought all of you used to like Jon AND Kate, but ever since they became more successful, you beat them down and especially her.'

"I'm really praying that the so called "announcement" is TLC is shutting down this show permanently. Yes, I used to be a fan but I cannot watch this show now. Kate has become psychotic and is blinded to her fame."

"get a life! leave this family alone- they need space like most if not all parents do and they are in the rags weekly, thoes innocent children are the only ones who will get hurt in the end- i dont see divorce- i see bringing this tlc chapter to a close- its not what they need anymore- my heart goes out to the whole family - stay strong"

Ugh. Check a preview clip of tonight's episode on the TLC Web site here. Also, I'm sure someone at Channel Surfing will have a few thoughts after tonight's episode brings in a record 10 million viewers.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com