Punishment Pool: Brett Favre watches "American Idol" — then quits watching, then starts watching again
All right, so here we go. "American Idol" night, man, let's do this. This is more exciting than playing in a Monday Night Football game. Well, maybe a Monday Night Football game against the Cincinnati Bengals. But yeah, I've been a fan of "American Idol" for years, man. I mean, I don't know the first thing about music, and I don't even really like music — which I guess makes me the ideal audience for a show about glorified karaoke.
So they're down to the last three dudes after kicking off that little troll-girl last week. It's Danny, Kris and that freaky looking Adam guy. (Is he wearing mascara? Must be a music thing. You'd never catch a football player with dark black lines under his eyes.)
Ryan Seacrest is introducing the show, which as it turns out is their 300th episode! Whoa, that's like one hundred episodes for each of my MVPs, man! It's also probably Simon Cowell's 300th white V-neck t-shirt. For real, he only ever wears white t-shirts on this show. Ever heard of style, Cowell? Do like I do, man — try rockin' a sweet flannel shirt one of these nights. You'll look awesome. Anyway, congratulations, "American Idol."
Tonight is the Judge's Pick/Contestant's Pick night. The judges will pick a song for each singer that they think suits him best. Kinda like a head coach calling plays for the quarterback. And then the contestant gets to pick a song for himself, which I guess is like the quarterback calling an audible. (Sorry, didn't mean to get so technical there. I'm just always seeing life through my prism of football. Like yesterday, Breleigh brought home her report card from school, and I immediately said, "Hey look, it's just like a football report card!")
That Milwaukee kid, Danny Gokey, is first up to the line of scrimmage. Uh, I mean stage. Paula has picked "Dance Little Sister" by Terence Trent D'Arby. Wow, really? What, did Maxi Priest and Simply Red want too much for royalties? You had to break out the D'Arby's roast beef crapwich? All right, whatever. Danny does it OK, I guess, but man — dude has to lay off the dance moves. He looks like John Madden in line at a Port-A-Potty after too many nachos. Then he starts scatting on top of that. Who scats these days? You'd never hear a real R&B singer scatting. You'd never hear Robert Brooks scatting.
The judges like him well enough, but Kara calls him out on his dancing. Simon rebuffs her, saying this isn't a dance competition, it's a singing competition. Paula then tries to say something and Simon frickin' grabs her in a headlock! He just intercepted Paula Abdul's gulldurned head, man! That was some hilarious stuff. I love this show, man; I hope I can watch it forever.
Kris comes out next, and Randy and Kara have picked One Republic's "Apologize" for him to sing. Oh, snap! I can't believe it. This was the song running through my head all last year whenever I thought about Ted Thompson. I got so excited when Kris started singing it, I just had to text Trent Dilfer over at ESPN to see if he was watching too. I mean, those lyrics just encapsulate everything I wanted to say to Ted at the time. "It's too late to apologize / It's too laaa-aaa-aaate! / It's too late to apologize / It's too laaa-aaa-aaate!" Yeah, suck on THAT, Ted!
So now Kara is criticizing Kris's performance. Helloooo, Kara, you picked that song for him! You made a commitment to that song! You can't just decide you don't like it. It's like signing a contract — you can't quit and hope they'll release you from your contract so that you can go pick another song. It doesn't work that way in real life, Kara! Sheesh, the nerve of some people!
Now it's Simon's turn to pick for Mr. Mascara, and he's going with U2's "One." What a jerk, he's going on and on about how he had to call U2 to get permission, and how Bono personally called him and said it would be OK. Oh, la-dee-dah, Simon Cowell, Bono personally called you! Big freaking deal. I got to make out with Cameron Diaz! Back when she was hot! So there! Who's the big shot now? Man, I'm starting to get really cheesed off at these people.
So Adam starts singing, and wow, this guy can really sing. He's putting a lot of emotion into this, and he's all quiet and heartfelt, and OH SWEET JESUS WHAT IS HE DOING? He's gone up, like, 1,000 octaves! I think he just shattered my Super Bowl ring, man! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!
That's it, I quit. I can't take this anymore. TV ... off!
Oh shoot, I just remembered that Deanna wanted me to take out the garbage once I finished watching TV. Man, I just got into a really comfortable position on the couch, too — it'd be a shame to get up now. Plus I'd really like to hear which songs the contestants pick for themselves, to get a better idea of who they are as artists/corporate tools.
OK, TV on.
Whew, just in time, too. Danny's up first again, and Seacrest just called him "the pride of Milwaukee." (Wait, since when am I not the pride of Milwaukee? I'm the pride of the whole dang state, man! Am I going to have to join the Brewers now just to regain my title?) Anyway, he's asked which song he picked, and he says he thought long and hard, and went back through all his influences and musical heroes, and settled on ... Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful." ...Dude. That ... is ... AWESOME. This is the song I sang to Deanna at our wedding! And then I sang it to Mike Holmgren after we won the Super Bowl! I LOVE this song! I totally want Danny to win now.
Oh, but wait, here comes that scrawny little Kris kid — what's he going to do? He already sang my frickin' soul earlier tonight with "Apologize" ... can he do it again? And the answer is ... yes. He's doing "Heartless" by Kanye West, which, lo and behold, is the other song I associate with Ted Thompson, that mean, heartless, David-Byrne-looking jerk. Kris, you are my soul brother, little dude. I totally want you to win now.
I'm so glad I started watching this show again. In those five minutes I was away, I realized how much I love it. "American Idol," I will never quit you again.
And now Adam Lambert, the Mascara Maestro, retakes the stage. Man, this guy is like Donald Driver — he may be a little funny looking, but the dude's freaking unstoppable. I already want Danny and Kris to advance to the finals, so Adam's gonna have to pull off something amazing. Here are my heartstrings, you beautiful freak! Tug away!
And he does it! "Cryin'" by Aerosmith! He may as well have been singing "Amazing" by Aerosmith, because that's what he was: amazing. This totally makes up for his "One" disaster, which I now blame on Simon Cowell and his Mike Sherman-level coaching abilities.
Now the part of the night I always dread: Deciding who to vote for. I've got my cell phone in front of me, and my texting fingers are all warmed up. But man, this is one tough decision. This is like 4th and long, 2 seconds on the clock, down by 6, terrorists have my children, I shouldn't have eaten that burrito before the game tough. Should I pick hometown boy Danny? Magical pixie Kris? Or rather-sexy-now-that-I-look-at-him Adam? What to do, what to do. I'd hate to disappoint anybody, but I have to do what I think is best for me. Hmmm...
I think I'll ....
Oops! Deanna's calling me again! I'd better go take out that trash. I'll have to decide later. Yeah, that's for the best. Let it percolate in the ol' helmet for a while. No need to rush it. I'm sure you understand.
— Adam Reinhard, email@example.com