Seriously, who writes a letter?

Once upon a time, there were two 20-something blond girls who bonded over huge sunglasses and tanning. They became the BEST of BFF's and like, OMG, totally partied it up in L.A. while drinking mochachinos and swiping major plastic at the mall. Then one day, the one blond met this blond boy and like, totally fell in love with him -- but he was, uh hello?, like, totally the spawn of Satan. Ugh. Anyway, the two blond girls went from BFF to TTYN (Talk to you never, hello? Haven't you seen Paris Hilton's new show?). Then, like totally out of the blue, the one blond was all, "I'm sorry. Remember when we were BFF?" in a letter to the other blond. And then she was all, "Whatever. Your beau is, like, so 2007." The End.

Or is it?

If you made it through my children's book adaptation without gagging, you did better than me. (Just for the record, I nearly vommed three times while writing that, but really, who's counting?)

So yes, we're talking about "The Hills" -- the best scripted, but totally real, reality TV show on MTV between 9 and 9:30 p.m. on Mondays. Seriously, it's the best. And as not to disappoint, the producers of MTV clearly are reaching for some drama -- or really anything that could be construed as drama.

The story of Heidi and LC is so over. The End. Finito. O-V-E-R. We don't need them to be friends and let's face it, they don't need to be friends. I know so many shows feel the pressures of following the "two people are together -- they split -- they get back together" formula, but it just feels so forced. Either that, or dear God, through all of her surgeries ... Heidi's ... actually ... able to feel? Didn't they take that out to make room for her higher cheekbones?

I mean, sure, Heidi clearly has no one -- even her sister is wavering on whether or not she wants to stick around. She's lost everyone she used to have and those that are barely around -- i.e.: Audrina on occasion or Spencer's sister Stephanie, by default -- still would rather choose to chill with LC than her. And all together now, why's that? (In unison)

Spencer!!

Ah yes, the king of doucheland, the mayor of loserville, the formerly toting peachfuzz enthusiast, everyone's favorite dingleberry to hate. Is this guy for real or is this his attempt to act for the chance he could be cast in the next Burger King commercial? No one can be that ridiculous, right? And let's be honest, Heidi will never leave him -- if she hasn't this far into it, nothing will push this girl toward the light.

And as we know from Monday night's episode -- if Heidi doesn't reverse her lobotomy and kick Spencer to the curb, her chances for a friendship with LC are smaller than Brody's attention span. (Yes, that's a total rip on him based solely on the cell phone commercial of he and Lauren.)

So for now, I must say, I hope the producers have some other drama a'cookin' for this show because the Heidi-LC drama just ain't happenin'. And please dear God, do not make me pretend to be interested in Audrina's non-dates any longer.

Catch "The Hills" at 9 p.m. Mondays on MTV.

-- Sara Boyd, sboyd2@greenbaypressgazette.com