wow, who knew?

Apparently Simon did. After waiting and suffering through the two-hour finale of "American Idol," it was finally announced. (At approximately 8:59 p.m., of course -- seriously, how many washed-up musicians can you pack in one show? Did they get a two-for-one deal?) David Cook has been named the new American Idol.

When metrosexual king Ryan Seacrest announced the winner had won by nearly 12 million votes, I thought for sure it was going to be David Archuleta. But to my surprise and delight -- and many others across the nation -- Mr. Cook took the crown. While I predicted it was going to be Archuleta and was still thinking it would be at 8:57 p.m., one person seemed to have known who the winner would be.

Simon Cowell, spawn of Satan, took the final minutes before the big announcement to "apologize" to Cook for calling Tuesday's night performance a landslide win for Archuleta. He then explained that he no longer thought it was as close of a race as he had predicted and was sorry for being rude and disrespectful. (Everyone all together now: "Awwww.") Just when America thought Simon might actually have a soul, Cook was named the chosen one and everyone's left scratching their heads. "Did Simon know? Was he trying a last-ditch effort to save face? Is Simon a psychic for Miss Cleo?," America asked itself, while being fat and inactive.

No one truly knows, but Simon does have some explaining to do. Clearly having just denounced Cook as being the obvious loser, Simon was in jeopardy of losing his already flailing judging credibility or being a shameless promoter of how marketable Archuleta would be as an Idol. Which is worse to the Englishman? Who knows? But either way, he should be ashamed of himself for trying to take the high road. Silly Simon, Trix are for kids.

The point is, David Cook proves "American Idol" does look for a true performer -- one who has the talent, can work the crowd and actually talk when spoken to. And that almost makes up for the fact they made me sit through a ZZ Top and George Michael performance. Actually, no, it doesn't even come close. Shame on you, "American Idol."

-- Sara Boyd, sboyd2@greenbaypressgazette.com