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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Commercial interruption: Lisa lives to suck another day on 'Top Chef'

Sometimes there's just too much television for one Channel Surfing blogger to handle. That's when we need a break to sit back, relax and indulge in some friendly back-and-forth (via email of course, we don't actually like to speak to one another in person). With a certain unspeakable eyebrow-pierced lesbian still on the show, it is up to chef fans Sara Boyd, Malavika Jagannathan and, newcomer to the "Top Chef" blogging, Adam Reinhard to find out what recipe the judges are following for the final four. Yes, we've replaced Mr. Thomas Rozwadowski, who apparently is too busy with home repairs to come to work. Slacker.

Sara: My worst fears have come true. With She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named (but whose name rhymes with Meesa) heading to Puerto Rico for the Final Four, my efforts of screaming at the TV begging the judges to ax her bandana-ass like a Tomahawk Chop have completely failed. I mean, Spike clearly deserved to pack his fedoras and leave ("No soup for you!" sorry, had to) but the fact that "the lesbian who cried sabotage" has been in the bottom for the last FIVE challenges, as the judges brought up, clearly means she does not deserve a chance at the finale.

Malavika: I know the judges focused on You-Know-Who's "palate" and her "lack of technique," but did it escape them that she just plain sucks? The fact that she is in the finale, supposedly the cream of the crop, is making me violently ill (or perhaps that's just the cold shrimp and undercooked rice...). It's been suggested that "Top Chef" producers want more female faces in the final four -- all of its past three winners are men -- but why pick the double-chinned cross-armed wonder? I hate to say it, but it almost makes me want Blue-Tinted-Glasses-Chick back. Almost.

Sara: You bite your tongue. As bad as crossed-arm suckface is, Blue-Tinted Glasses Chick couldn't even make pasta and she specialized in Italian food. I know you said "almost," but even "almost" gets my gag reflex going. Also, if the "Top Chef" producers truly want a chick-heavy finale, then why would they include a chef who can't cook, sucks at life and ahem, does not look like a woman?! Heck, Spike with his hat obsession and questionable man-love with former chefs would've been more feminine! At least he can make soup!

Adam, as a newcomer to the "Top Chef" blogging, what were your thoughts of last night's disaster?

Adam: All I can say is, sweetbread sure looks tasty. I couldn't care less about the back-stabbing, arm-folding, rice-burning interplay of the contestants -- bring on the thymus glands!

It's true, I've only been watching "TC" for a few weeks now, but I've become genuinely fascinated by it. And not just by the blatant product placement ("Here's a boatload of Glad products you're going to be using!") or the lingering, near-pornographic shots of the GE stoves. Mostly it's this Lisa person who has me hooked. From what I can tell, her cooking abilities are vastly inferior to the other contestants. (Although my own cooking abilities strain at peanut butter on toast, so who am I to judge.) But she has the most jarring, abrasive personality of the remaining four, which makes her a great villain. And what TV show doesn't need a good villain? I mean, yeah, that Dale guy (who got booted last week) was no peach, but Lisa? She makes Gordon Ramsay look like Gordon from "Sesame Street."

Yes, she should have been cut long ago. And yes, I can't help but feel the producers know keeping her around creates controversy and perhaps higher ratings. But as long as she's there, glowering under that doo-rag and mishandling shrimp, I'll be at the table, fork and knife in hand.

Malavika: OK, OK, I take back my suggestion that Blue-Tinted-Glasses-Chick would have been a better choice. I was clearly under the influence of my anger and blinded by the glare from the GE Monogrammed stoves.

Yes, Lisa is a great villain, but "Top Chef" has produced villains in the past (Hung, the winner from last season, and Marcel from the previous season) who were both talented AND giant jackasses. Dale had villain-ish qualities, so why settle for You-Know-Who's pathetic attempts at arm-crossing and rice-making. Seriously, I think homegirl would screw up Uncle Ben's minute rice, given the chance.

In the end, though, I think she's going to look stupid on the finale stage. Really it's a three-way contest at this point. Richard, Antonia and Stephanie will outshine her, and she will go home in an undercooked rice, shrimp-laden fury.

In conclusion, I'd like to echo a hilarious comment from fellow "Top Chef" fan Eric: I hope Richard and Stephanie kill her and use her in a dish of disgustingness.

-- Sara Boyd, , Malavika Jagannathan,, Adam Reinhard,

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Top Chef is reality show dead to me. But I'm still going to watch the finale.

By Blogger Ms. Quarter, At May 30, 2008 at 8:35 AM  

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