Running the Gauntlet: Week Three Power Poll

Each Monday, I'll be providing a quick and dirty rundown of the previous week's "Gauntlet III," or quite simply, television's guiltiest pleasure for the slow-witted "Real World/Road Rules" generation. The show airs at 9 p.m., Wednesdays on MTV.

I realized this week that there's a fundamental flaw with my Power Poll, that unlike "Project Runway," there isn't one winner on "Gauntlet III," but rather, a team of reality whores who take home the top prize. With that in mind, how everyone is ranked will serve as a measure of my prediction prowess. Anyone at the top of the rundown (meaning the worst players) should never defeat someone ranked in a category below them (meaning the strongest players) if they were to meet in the Gauntlet. Having watched these foolish personalities since the Kevin Powell days (for the record, Kevin Powell has a real job and is not foolish), I expect to be undefeated all season long. Think of it as my version of the NCAA Top 25 poll.

But onto this week's recap. Now I know why the show has been expanded to an hour each week. With the success of "Tila Tequila," MTV has quickly realized that they're the one-stop shopping network for meaningless hook-ups and potential STD's. It all serves as a great example for teenage girls, but at least MTV has enough morality to occasionally mix in a safe sex commercial. Very noble, guys. Anyway, the show is delving into the personal lives of its competitors more frequently, which also serves as a not-so-subtle precursor for elimination. This week, Brooke and Ev, the show's requisite lesbians (or in the case of Brooke, a made-for-TV lesbian) do some heartfelt foot-rubbing. Airhead Casey, who has probably hooked up with every male contestant on the show already, is seen making nice with Johnny Bananas. Yep, two of these four are going home.

Brooke, deemed one of the most unathletic competitors in the show's history by Rachel, has a mental breakdown after the Rookies saddle her with benchwarmer responsibilites in the "Wring Out" challenge. She eventually sucks it up and holds her own, but the Rookies still can't win an easy challenge, putting the score at 0-4. Seeing as how she was publicly rejected by her own teammates, Brooke is destined for the Gauntlet, or rather, a challenge called "Ball Brawl" that is basically sand football. The Vets choose Jillian to enter the elimination zone for a second week, and it's about as one-sided a contest as Kobayashi versus Mary Kate Olsen in a hot dog throwdown. Part of me felt bad for Brooke -- who is repeatedly ridiculed by her jacked-up peers -- because clearly she didn't grow up jonesin' to play middle linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. But this is an athletic competition, after all, so Brooke should have expected a short stay.

The subsequent fallout is the funniest part of the episode, and might be an all-time favorite moment for me. No longer able to make out with Brooke, Ev starts doing push-ups and exercising like a demon as a sign that she's not "weakened" by her lesbian crush hitting the bricks. At one point, the crazy look on her face resembles Private Pyle from "Full Metal Jacket." Ev has issues.

Because guys take competition so seriously -- just ask your 30-year-old buddy who puts a nickname like O-Dog on the back of his jersey for Park and Rec softball leagues -- it feels like there's more weight to the male side of each episode. This week's drama was phenomenal, even if the challenge that led to the end result was ridiculously flawed. The Rookies finally scored a win in a blindfold maze challenge, but only because they're down four people and didn't have to make up the difference in personnel. Not balancing the scales is a clear sign of surrender for the show's producers. I mean, who wouldn't win if they had to go into a maze four less times? That's like playing Tetris against someone of a similar skill set, yet one side gets a handicap of 80. Not cool, MTV. Not cool.

But drama is the name of the game, and forcing the Vets to throw in two guys is a picture-perfect scenario for some potential bloodshed. As a way of testing the big dogs, the Rookies toss in Evan, arguably the second strongest competitor in the entire "Gauntlet." CT goes in self-preservation mode and deviously plants the seed that Evan wants to face Johnny Bananas (pictured at right). It's completely unfounded, which causes Johnny to go, well, bananas, and throw Fat Eric under the bus. His "the fat guy will slow you down" logic doesn't fly though, and Johnny is voted in. Interestingly enough, the Gauntlet is a puzzle challenge, which is a great equalizer for Johnny when facing someone as physically gifted as Evan. Too bad Johnny is dumber than a bunch of, well, bananas, and can't capitalize on his good fortune. Evan wins, and the Vets save one of their strongest men.

Usually the recap would end with a sappy Gauntlet good-bye between Johnny and Casey, but Tyrie is struggling with some personal problems back home -- or maybe he's accepted the fact that his team blows -- so he pulls a Bobby Knight by abruptly quitting. Tyrie isn't the strongest player, but he's a big, burly dude, so even though the Rookies FINALLY managed to win an admittedly one-sided challenge, they STILL lost a player in the end. It's a stunning development, but one that might be beneficial to the Rookies in the end. During next week's episode preview, a tall, blonde, athletic guy is shown walking up the beach, causing Evan to remark that he could be a savior for the opposition. My guess is MJ Garrett from "Real World: Philadelphia." If memory serves, he used to play football at the University of Tennessee and only has one challenge under his belt, which would make him eligible for the Rookies. Too bad it couldn't be a real ringer like the Miz or Abram.

The Puck Treatment
Pretty Boy Alex
Angel
Tyler
Lesbian Come Lately Brooke
Johnny Bananas
Tyrie

The Aneesa Ferreira Division
(NR) Airhead Casey
25. Low Self-Esteem Johanna

Not quite bottom-feeders
24. Rambo Rachel
23. Ryan
22. Zack

May die because of health reasons
21. Fat Eric

Eight shades of crazy and proud of it
20. Bipolar Katie

Rising fast but not built for the long haul
19. Robot Frank
18. Adam

Unequivocally overrated
17. Melinda
16. Robin
15. Roid Rage Danny

Dark Horses
14. Anorexic Paula
13. Jillian
12. Beauty Queen Tori
11. "The Italian Stallion" Kenny Venci
10. Coral
9. Beastly Beth

Sleeper Du'Jour
8. Diem

Serious contenders
7. Janelle
6. Nehemiah
5. Evelyn DeGeneres
4. Derek
3. Meatball Brad

The Big Dogs
2. Evan Almighty
1. Loose Cannon CT

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com