Running the Gauntlet: Week One

For my amusement -- and perhaps my amusement alone -- I've decided to chronicle each week of MTV's "Gauntlet III" until the bitter end. There's nothing else on TV. It's the way it has to be.

I also enjoyed how MJ stole Bill Simmons' Power Poll idea for her "Project Runway" recaps, so I'm going to use a similar format to run down each drama-riddled, testosterone-fueled installment. Without further ado ...

Week One recap: Thirty-two former "Real World/Road Rules" cast members reconvene in Puerto Vallerta, Mexico for a shot at $300,000. That's enough money for Danny to buy more horse roids and Coral to get a breast reduction. Teams are separated by tenure on past challenges, with the "Veterans" boasting a heavy advantage over the "Rookies" by way of familiarity. That, and in the case of someone like Beastly Beth who has been on 7 of 15 challenges, it means a lot of rest from not being employed all these years.

Experience proves beneficial from the start, with the Veterans winning a preliminary tug-of-war for the right to sleep in luxury bedrooms. The newbies get uncomfortable mattresses full of bugs (which is still better than Crazy Tonya bringing crabs.) A brutal game of mud football - played musical chairs-style with less balls dropped from above during each round - ends in a stalemate thanks to Beauty Queen Tori destroying Robin in the final round. Loose Cannon CT runs over one of the series' freshest, but fiercest faces, Derek, in a tie-breaker. The resulting male rookie Gauntlet places Nehemiah on the chopping block. His teammates allow him to handpick an opponent -- Pretty Boy Alex, who gives up in an endurance challenge after roughly 15 minutes. Hey, at least he gets a free T-shirt for his short stay.

In the requisite drama segment, a completely wasted CT starts spouting off to everyone in the house and tells his girlfriend Diem that it's his "time to live it up." Dude reaches Lohan levels of crazy when he gets smashed, which Diem claims is never the case "off-camera." There's a clinical term for that. It's called "(expletive) in the head."

The David Edwards division (losers who get an early kick to the curb): Pretty Boy Alex

The Eric Nies division (crusty old folks who keep returning because they have nothing better to do but sell "Grind" workout tapes): Beastly Beth, Coral, Robin.

The Puck Rainey division (crazy mofos who know to keep the camera on them, and who may or may not use their fingers to eat peanut butter): Loose Cannon CT, Bipolar Katie, Lesbian Come Lately Brooke.

The Derrick Kosinski division (ultra-competitive hard asses who believe winning the challenge will make up for the fact that they can't score chicks or dudes unless they're all really, really drunk): Evan Almighty, Evelyn DeGeneres.

The Wes Bergmann division (loathsome individuals who deserve a one-way ticket back home, and if we're lucky, a bout of herpes and food poisoning): Roid Rage Danny (at right).

The Mike Mizanin division (likeable meatheads worth rooting for, no matter how immature they might be): Meatball Brad, "The Italian Stallion" Kenny Venci, Johnny Bananas.

The Amaya Brecher division (crybaby drama queens who'll have a mental breakdown - or two, or three, or four - by season's end): Airhead Casey, Rambo Rachel, Tyler, Melinda.

The Kyle Brandt division (seemingly nice, normal contestants who should be doing so much more with their lives): Diem, Adam

The Landon Lueck division (fast-rising unknowns who might make an immediate impression because of their physical skills or smarts): Tyrie, Derek, Janelle, Beauty Queen Tori.

The Judd Winnick division (boring contestants we're ambivalent about): Anorexic Paula, Fat Eric, Frank, Low Self-Esteem Johanna, Nehemiah.

The Simon Sherry-Wood division (seriously, who the heck are these people?): Zack, Jillian, Angel, Ryan.

The Alton Williams division (the strongest physical competitors who have the best shot at surviving if they don't shoot themselves in the foot): Beth, CT, Evan, Coral, Brad, Evelyn, Johnny, Diem, Tyrie, Derek, Janelle.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com