"The Hills" Season Five: Death to Spencer?

Oh, how did we ever survive without them? LC and the gang premiered their fifth and final season of our beloved “Hills” on Monday night with a bonus double episode. Just as expected, both the drinks and the mascara were a-flowin’.

Leave it to the totally-real-reality show to begin the show conveniently where they left off — at the fake courthouse with the fake judge. Last time we were in “The Hills,” Spencer, the abominable snowman (see here), and his collagen-injected fiancé Heidi were about to say their “I do’s” and make their wedding rendezvous in Mexico legit, via the Los Angeles (fake) courthouse. With the absence of one mother of the bride — due to disapproval of said abominable snowman — Spencer actually comes out of his selfish shell and makes a move to show Heidi he cares (or at least pretends to care). The two call the courthouse nuptials off and Spencer vows to plan a wedding that Heidi will never forget — you know, one with her mom there … or at least a lady who looks like her mom.

Meanwhile, a Lauren Conrad birthday bash is being planned by former frenemies Audrina and Lo. As the two walk in to pick up the cake, they conveniently discuss what the chances are that Heidi would show up, unannounced. Did someone say foreshadowing? Isn’t it funny that these girls always have conversations that stick perfectly with the events of each episode ... talk about timing. Anyway, back at la casa de Speidi, wouldn’t ya know … Stephanie and Heidi are discussing what to wear to LC’s birthday bash, which Heidi totally intends on crashing, after a coy invite from Stephanie, the girl who doesn’t like to get in other people’s drama. Stephanie and Heidi then tell big brother bear Spence that they’re going out for “Girls Night,” where an LC may or may not be. Well, that’s almost true … except for the tiny, minuscule detail that “Girl’s Night” is actually LC’s birthday party — a night intended to celebrate the day Spencer’s mortal enemy and most hated person on this Earth was born. But really, tiny detail. So clearly, this will go smoothly without any kind of drama, right? Well, for the fact that Spencer got mad when there was just a chance of Heidi seeing Lauren, I can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong.

The girls head out to “Girls Night Out” and abominable snowman leaves for his own version, “Boys Night Out,” which ends up being Spencer and a ponytailed, greasy, goateed man he has clearly paid to be his “friend.” And really, I was surprised there was even another human being. I’m guessing no one in their right mind would hang out with him so MTV grabbed a cameraman last minute and put him in the shot with a beer in his hand. Oh, and you can’t have “boys night” without a hot, single, flirty female bartender. Clearly. Back on the “No Love for Heidi Boat,” Lauren looks less than pleased to find out Mrs. Pratt has crashed her birthday party — a venue where LC decided to unveil her brand new, bright red lips. It’s a valid point and LC does have every right to be upset. (Yeah, duh, I’m on LC’s side on this one … ) But honestly, how selfish of Heidi and how stupid of Stephanie? It’s Lauren’s birthday — maybe not the best place to force a reunion to a past BFF that’s now engaged to Satan in the flesh. And um, it’s on a boat. (“I’m on a boat … I’m on a boat, take a good hard look at me ‘cause I’m sailing on a boat” … OK, sorry, and ... we’re back.) Where’s your escape route if the poo hits the fan? Oh that’s right – you have none.

Yadda, yadda, yadda … LC and Heidi end up hugging and crying — “you were the bestest friend I ever had” sniffle, sniffle … “I still love you, but you’re dating the abominable snowman” sob, sob. This would be a good opportunity to plug waterproof mascara. Meanwhile, back at “boys night” Spencer, of course, is hitting on the bartender, asking her what it would take to get her to dance on the bar, you know, very appropriate questions for someone about to plan a wedding. His d-bag sidekick seems to think this is all fine and dandy – but remember, either he’s the stagehand filling in, or the last surviving friend to Mr. Pratt – not sure which is worse. Just as AS (Abominable Snowman) is flirting his peach fuzz off, in walks Stephanie’s ex Cameron.

Clearly, Cam Cam and Spency-poo aren’t buds since it was big brother Spence that told Stephanie to dump him in the first place. So why wouldn’t Cameron text Steph and tell her the recent sleaze ball antics of her older blood sibling? Back on the boat, Steph gets the text and of course, Heidi “notices she reacts strangely” to it and head over to find out what’s up. Wow, it’s almost like it was scripted! As soon as sister Steph tells her the four W’s of Spencer’s adulterous ways, Heidi’s on the phone accusing AS and telling him all the details of how she found out. So let’s recap — Spencer flirts with cute bartender, ex-boyfriend of Spencer’s sister tells on him, the message gets back to Heidi and she tells him exactly who told her of his near-cheatin’ ways and this tattle-tale is still sitting in the same bar as Spencer. One guess on what you think happens next. Fight! Fight! Fight!

It’s so predictable, I could almost lip synch the dialogue as AS approached Cameron. “Seriously, c’mon, just touch me so I can F you up. Seriously, c’mon. Do it, do it.” Too bad Cameron’s a nice guy because I would’ve paid good money to see Spence take one right in the peach fuzz. Yadda, yadda, yadda, AS attacks Cameron after he mockingly gives Spencer a baby push and the two are escorted out of the bar. It only takes a mere three seconds for this news to reach the boat – funny how news travels so quickly – and Heidi is shocked. I can’t imagine why she’d be shocked – she pretty much fueled Spencer’s fire and then painted a big, red target symbol on Cameron’s face. Heidi starts shaking (er, what?) from the news and is consoled by Stephanie and Lauren. Time to rethink that rock on your bony little finger, Mrs. Pratt.

The episode ends with quite the set-up for this season’s drama. Heidi confronts the bartender, who tells her Spencer was acting “inappropriate” and “she’d be pissed if it was her fiancé” and heads to Colorado to get grounded with Mama Montag. Spencer tell his sister, for like, the 80th time, that he’s disowning her, blah, blah, blah, and plans to live it up and let loose while Heidi’s away, per advice from the Brodster. Lauren continues keeping her BFF pool to just Audrina and Lo, stating there’s no way that she could be friends with Heidi as long as she’s Mrs. Abominable Snowman. But perhaps that won’t be too much longer … DON DON DON!

-- Sara Boyd, sboyd2@greenbaypressgazette.com