"Lost" spoilers from the Season Five premiere we didn't get to see

I'm waiting for "Lost" to return. You're waiting for "Lost" to return.

Meanwhile, stupid-faced national TV critics aren't as eager for "Lost" to return because they're too busy gloating about how they already got to see the first two episodes of Season Five earlier this week.

"Oh, I work for Entertainment Weekly or the Chicago Tribune ... I'm soooooooo special."

Screw you guys.

I'm sure Channel Surfing's copies and subsequent confidentiality agreement just got lost in the mail because of the holiday swarm. After all, I'm looking at a two-disc preview of "Frank TV" next to my desk right now, so clearly we're on the bigwigs' radar.

Yeah, it got lost ... that's it.

Also, we've been very generous to "Lost" in our lone year of existence. Without special favors, we could easily shift that extensive coverage to, oh I don't know, "Knight Rider" or something.

That said, Adam Reinhard and I were discussing yesterday whether we actually needed to see the first two episodes to deliver breaking news about one of our favorite shows. After all, the general giddiness from those on the inner circle suggests that both episodes are quite good. But since they aren't in a position to leak secrets for fear of their necks being twisted by Sayid's legs, it's not like you, dear "Lost" viewer, are learning anything you don't already know.

So we're going to beat you at your own game, Team Darlton. We don't need your stinkin' previews. "Lost" regulars already know what's going to happen in the first two episodes ... and because you weren't nice to us, we're letting Sayid's cat officially out of the bag.

Among your spoilers:

- A character who speaks a foreign language is revealed to be dead. Or perhaps there's a clue that indicates he or she is actually (gasp?) alive.

- Charles Widmore says something threatening.

- Ben's eyes bulge and he lurks in some shadows.

- There's a close-up of a clock.

- Desmond tells Penny he loves her.

- Sawyer takes his shirt off.

- Hurley doesn't take his shirt off.

- Sadly, neither does Kate.

- Kate cries and Hurley eats.

- Alpert is exactly the same.

- Faraday twitches a lot and pages through his notebook.

- Someone gets a bloody nose.

- It rains.

- Jack is agitated.

- Aaron doesn't speak.

- Locke looks livelier than he did at the end of Season Four.

- Something rustles on the island and causes someone to look backwards in a panic.

- Someone says something emotional and causes the other person to become more emotional.

- Vincent wags his tail.

- The past becomes present. Or does the present become past?

- Creepy voiceover guy says, "Previously on 'Lost.'"

Sorry, but it had to be done, folks. Now, any other "Lost" soothsayers have some "spoilers" to share?

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com