Hold on to your scalpels!

Perhaps the best way to describe the return of "Nip/Tuck's" fifth season would be to quote my boyfriend, who was forced to watch the show with me: "I'm going to have some messed up dreams because of this show."

To say "Nip/Tuck" came back with a bang is being modest. I have just two words to prove this point: wheelchair sex. Clearly, I cannot say more -- this is a family-friendly blog, after all. (OK, yeah, I just said sex, but you know kids these days, nothing fazes them.) Really, to be fair, there's not much I can say about last night's episode that won't get me thrown into censorship jail, but I'll try to talk in code, as to not offend the youngsters.

Last night's return to the Hollywood offices of McNamara/Troy took off right where they left off -- with the newly stabbed Sean McNamara fighting for his life at the hands of Crazy McCrazerson Colleen Rose. (I think this scene could win for most fake blood used in an FX series, though I doubt that's a proud honor.) Cut to four months later, Sean finds himself confined to a wheelchair, struggling with personal scars as well as external. Leaving the scalpel behind to focus on teaching skills instead of slicing and dicing, Sean meets a young Doogie Howser-like protégé, who is both talented and annoying. With Sean's absence at the practice, it seems only fitting that young Doogie lends a helping hand. Meanwhile, Liz faces a breast cancer scare that ends up with Christian getting his first taste of a mammogram to check out a suspicious lump in his ta-ta. (A scene that, no doubt, made all guys give themselves a once-over.)

As luck would have it -- Liz is safe, but Christian is diagnosed with breast cancer, stage two. The always-arrogant, superficial Christian is forced to take another look at his life -- but first, another round of meaningless boot-knocking is in order. As for the rest of the clan -- Julia's still trying to figure out who she is, and of course, is still angry with gimpy Sean for telling her they were still married. Matt's headed to community college -- shoot for the stars Matty! -- to begin his journey on the pre-med train, following in his father's footsteps. As the episode comes to its typical sans-dialogue, cue the intense music wrap-up, we're left with a few questions -- Is Sean really crippled or is he faking it? Can Christian survive breast cancer or will his ego crush him before he has the chance to fight it?

It seems the continuation of Season 5, on first glance, will be just as racy and scandalous as the first half. Previews for the rest of the season show Christian and Liz getting a lot closer -- what's with TV characters refusing to stick with their sexual preferences?? -- Kimber crossing the line in baby pageanting, an unusual, er, southern-region enlargement surgery from Doogie's father (and a request for Doogie to perform the procedure -- hello? Child abuse, anyone?) and a few guest star appearances, including Portia de Rossi. Woohoo!

Looks like my Tuesdays may not be the ugly, slow stepchild of the week anymore.

Check out "Nip/Tuck" at 9 p.m., Tuesdays on FX. (And keep coming back to Channel Surfing this week to read about our other bloggers' reviews of the return of TV!)

-- Sara Boyd, sboyd2@greenbaypressgazette.com