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Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

You thought a two-hour steroid-fueled romp with "American Gladiators" was bad? We've scanned the upcoming docket of strike-related reality shows, and suddenly "Clash of the Choirs" doesn't look so awful anymore.

If the ideas are this depressing on paper, one can only imagine what happens when the cameras are turned on.

Also, I couldn't resist posting the "Rock of Love 2" press photo of Bret Michaels. To steal a line from "Seinfeld," looking at his package is like looking at the sun. You don't stare.

"Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew," VH1: If there aren't enough bloated bodies for another turn on the "Celebrity Fit Club" scales, you can always do one better by having those same has-beens confront their demons intervention-style. Don't hold your breath for rehab appearances by certified crazies like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears, though. The roll call includes not-so famous faces like Jeff "John Travolta won't take my calls anymore" Conaway, Daniel "I'm actually less famous than Billy" Baldwin and the dude from Crazy Town who wrote that god-awful "Butterfly" song in the late '90s. Reeking of alcohol is one thing. But reeking of desperation?

"My Big Redneck Wedding," CMT: Legendary loudmouth Tom Arnold is on board as the host who searches for "some of the strangest weddings that occur below the Mason-Dixon Line." If the show were only about whose mullet is the longest — the bride or the groom's — we'd be cool with wedding footage for about five minutes. But dig too deep, Mr. Arnold, and you might find a family tree you DON'T want to climb.

"Scott Baio Is 46 … and Pregnant," VH1: Probably the most blatant example of scripted reality TV ever, Chachi couldn't fake the phoniness of his desire to commit to a longtime girlfriend after years of over-the-top bachelorhood. The capper came with the "shocking" revelation that Baio was about to be a daddy during season one's cheese-tastic finale. Honestly, we hadn't seen acting that bad since, well, "Charles in Charge."

"The Moment of Truth," Fox: Apparently, Fox didn't get the memo that the nation's divorce rate continues to climb. Now imagine what asking a husband if he'd like to cheat on his wife while strapped to a lie detector is going to do for those stats? Sleeping on the couch for a couple of days will be worth the $10,000, though. Either way, the take-home game should equal hours of fractured fun for families across the country.

"Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels," VH1: It's been said that every rose has its thorn. But does every skank have to have its 15 minutes of fame? The bodies from season one's "Rock of Love" strip-o-rama weren't even cold before VH1 began airing promos for the Poison frontman's second stab at "true love." Open up and say ick.

"When Women Rule the World," Fox: What if women made all the decisions? What if men were their obedient subjects? What if women could drive, make money, get dressed, and vote — you know, crazy stuff like that? According to the channel's latest high-end concept, 12 "macho men" (no, not the Village People) are treated like slaves in a "Survivor"-like society ruled by domineering female masters who finally get to experience true women's lib once and for all.

That's all I can write for now. I need a shower.

-- Thomas Rozwadowski, trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com

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1 Comments:

Are you sure Tom Arnold won't be traveling to Wisconsin to witness the atrocious "grand march" wedding reception tradition? It just doesn't get more redneck than that.

By Anonymous mary, At January 9, 2008 at 7:55 PM  

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