Pining for Pam

Romeo and Juliet had their warring families. Rick and Ilsa had the Nazis. Pam Beesley and I? We have a writers strike keeping us apart.

Ours is not a conventional love affair: She's a fictional TV character on a popular NBC sitcom and I'm an emotionally stunted shut-in. But, hey, they said Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon wouldn't work as a couple either. (What's that? They're getting divorced? Crap.)

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm one of the millions of red-blooded American males desperately in love with Pam Beesley, as portrayed by actress Jenna Fischer on "The Office." And ever since those Hollywood hacks started whining about "residuals" and "fairness" and "feeding their kids," we've been seeing a lot less of our favorite secretarial seductress. Sure, NBC is showing reruns of the series, but after a while that merely feels like going through the motions -- a surefire romance killer. To keep things fresh, I require new prank-playing, eye-rolling, Jim-flirting Pam goodness.

So what's a heartsick boy to do? I tried moving on, and thought I'd give loving VH1's New York a try, but that left me feeling as empty as Jamie-Lynn Spears' womb isn't. And I tried my luck falling for one of the models on "Deal or No Deal," but I kept picking the girl with the dollar case, and that's hardly enough to support a family on. Just when I was about to give up hope, a suitable Pam substitute came along: Jenna Fischer in "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story."

She looks like Pam. She sounds like Pam. But lordy, she sure doesn't act like Pam. Playing the faux June Carter to John C. Reilly's faux Johnny in Judd Apatow's music biopic parody, Fischer politely kicks Pam to the curb, vamping it up as sexy backup singer Darlene. And between Darlene's suggestive ice cream cone eating and barely there pajamas, I started forgetting about ol' what's-her-name. How could Pam's conservative sweaters compare to Darlene kicking the crap out of Dewey during a passionate -- and hilarious -- makeout session?

Then the lights came up, and I was left with that same aching longing. Lucky for us, "The Office" has made Fischer a bonafide up-and-coming movie star, with another film, "The Promotion," due out in March. But hopefully we won't have to wait that long for the lovely Miss Beesley to once again grace our TV screens, handing out yogurt lids like Valentines to all her infatuated fans. And would it be asking too much to, you know, bump Jim off or something? I don't like competition.



-- Adam Reinhard, lifeisfunnybutnothahafunny@gmail.com